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Tall Tales and Short Stories.

Edgar Allen Poe

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

'I'm the ghost of Christmas future. I'm hammered, can we do this later...?'

"This place is famous for its short fiction about food."

'Come on Jill, they say the water's well good.'

'I've had a few short stories published, but I'd really like to write 'the Great American How to Write a Novel.''

'Where do you see yourself in five minutes?'

'That's my weird Uncle Benny. He claims that he was abducted by aliens in white lab coats.'

"Can you hurry up with that will? I don't have all day."

The hare and the tortoise - the rematch.

"No, I don't think you 'new break shoes', I think you need new break feet. You are supposed to depress the brake pedal you know."

"I just saw some confused old goat pee all over the bathroom floor." "That was a mirror. And that wasn't the bathroom."

'He's a blight on the whole neighbourhood.'

"He'd make a wonderful main character for a short story, but I wouldn't put up with him for an entire novel."

'This history paper is about an event that happened a long time ago, but in the great scheme of things isn't all that important, making this report very short. The end.'

Who's Dead

'I don't remember ever having a good memory.'

''Masterpiece Theater' will not be seen tonight, so that we may bring you 'Slushpile Showplace'....'

'Tom's always been the black sheep of the family.'

"I've seen a lot in my time, Ted, but it was always from the cheap seats."

Master Humphrey's visionary friends

'Then, one day a kid yelled, 'Man, look at that ugly duck with the long neck and the black mole over it's beak.'. To think I spent years parading around thinking I was a swan.'

'-but the fire's on the GROUND floor!'

"We met through a contact tracing app."

"Back in my day there weren't any delivery trucks, distribution centers and fancy computers! We just hopped door-to-door until our feet bled!"

Machado de Assis

' You shouldn't believe everything you read in the fairy stories.'

'All that smoking has stunted your growth.'

'You've become a right pain in the neck.'

A frog catches an insect truck.

"Yep, that's it - seven pages, I only write what I know."

"Grandpa! You have to let me put those under my pillow!"

"There, there, dear. It's perfectly normal for a new bride on her wedding night to shit like a goose on her husband."

Excess Baggage: As soon as you pick a vacation destination, people who have never been there start to tell you horror stories about the place.