Shelf Surfer Gifts

Man browses self-loathing books.

'The History Channel is all reruns.'

"The batteries in his TV remote died. The shock of not being able to use it for two minutes has put him in a temporary state of shock."

Baby on board.

'It's nothing serious. Rest is the best cure for binge shopping.'

Stop! Stop what? Do not change the channel! Sex, death, harrowing footage of the most remarkable story you've ever seen, tattoos, rock-n-roll, action, action, action! It's all coming right up, right after this five second break for station identification. Five seconds ... You're watching Rock Television. And now back to our ... bored. Welcome to ABC. We've got thrills, action, more thrills ... Click. I've got your action right here. We've created a monster. Click click click click click cl-

'Our regular programs will not be seen tonight, because our Station Manager is in a 'Three Stooges' mood.'

TV-Man

"For the last time, I’m not Bigfoot — I’m Larry from Vermont!"

"Well, at least it's an improvement from last night."

Multi-Generational Books

What are you in the mood to get confused watching tonight?

'You don't want weather? Not a problem! How about sports, or maybe a nice movie? We can do that! Just put that thing down and let's talk, OK?'

"You've got computer-breath."

Alien uses astronaut's visor as TV to watch news.

Whodunnit. Whoreallydunnit.

'This seashell does not sound like the ocean... It sounds like someone yelling 'Look out!''

"You need to lose 20 cable channels."

'Sure, sure - I'm having a great vacation.'

'Now ask yourself Gerald, do we really need ALL these channels?'

It's only a remote, dear...if you want better programs you will need a wand.

Jesus sighted walking off Malibu

How I met your mother

'Research shows that while the number of surfers is somewhat constant over the year, there is a sudden increase in casual bathers over Summer...'

"Dow's up!"

'...And as suburban sprawl continues to grow, many people are finding themselves living uncomfortably close to their wildlife neighbors.'

'He gets confused switching channels between the World series and NFL games.'

Remote control wars.

"I never saw 'Cheers,' so I won't miss 'Cheers.'"

'The trick to scaring surfers is to only show your dorsal fin when you surface next to them...'

'No surf?'

'Another nice wave.'

'She got all the soap opera channels at a discount -- it's some kind of 'frequent cryer' program.'

Mysteries.

Don't touch that dial! — We're experts, and we know what you should be watching!