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"When I was 5 years old, I put all my money in a pickle jar. Of course, my money was soggy and the pickles tasted funny."

"Feel free to take notes."

"Hey grandpa, tell us more about the time you were in that Steven Spielberg movie."

True confessions.

'It's really more of a family forest than a family tree.'

"Just kick back and enjoy this. These are the nest years of our lives!"

"The document states that you've been left your mother's jowls and upper arm flab."

"Your momma lied to you, boy."

Children's Party

"When I was young my parents couldn't afford to give me too much, too soon."

"No, son, you’re not ‘M for Mature.’"

Biggles has a more staid adventure.

"It seems like only yesterday that Dad told me I'll be an adult before I know it."

'Riley, I think it's time you learned the truth... You're adopted.'

"Oh, she talk a lot...but only about her children."

"Tell us the one about swift justice, Grandpa."

'You were a band geek?! Maybe Max will play an instrument!'

"We're not laughing at you, sweetie. We're laughing at something you don't understand."

"See those birch trees on the other side of the pond? That’s the exact spot where your mother first called me an idiot."

Wyatt returns home to visit his old small town.

"Grandpa, how did you ever survive without apps?"

'It is a big day! Ten years ago, yout dad joined the union!'

"But our history was current events when you were at school Dad!"

"The last one is Uncle Charlie. He was pardoned in 1987."

"Oh, you haven’t seen holiday drama ‘till you’ve met our little family."

'You may disagree with me now, Son, but when you're 500 years old, you'll understand.'

'If I want to live happily ever after, grandma, do I have to marry a princess?'

"Oh I remember, it was a particularly cold day and your daddy whispered sweet nothings in my ear. It gave me such a warm feeling inside that I knew he was the one!"

'I never saw a tracer bullet that I didn't admire for color, clarity and swiftness.'

'It's a horror-comedy.'

Couple with lots of kids. Woman says: 'This is our daughter, my son from my first marriage, John's daughter from his second marriage, and I've no idea who the one on the end is.'

"I'll give you a cookie if you promise to paint me as a pillar among women in your future memoir."