Shareholder Humorist Pillows

Catering to the Small Investor since 1929.

'Dear Shareholder...'

If you're so good at picking winning stocks, why do you still have to work?

'Surely you wouldn't want me to laugh at your joke if I didn't think it was funny!'

'Williams, we're not used to receiving such excellent ideas as these, so we'd like to tone them down a bit.'

"I'm afraid 'It's a surprise', doesn't cut it as a growth strategy."

'You could be a constant inspiration for us to come up with a plan to get a leg up on our competition...you're hired!'

"Actually, she's just a figurehead boss. Our real CEO is an algorithm floating around somewhere in the cloud!"

'Whoever said 'The only thing we have to fear is fear itself' never had a room full of angry shareholders.'

"In recognition of last month's little upward blip, I suggest we allow ourselves a spontaneous victory fist bump."

"How's everybody doing? I'm not boring you, am I?"

"Maybe now, we could look at customer care'?"

Can't Do the Math/Won't Do the Math.

'It has come to my attention that we need to hedge against our five-year plan.'

"Obviously some people here don't appreciate the gravity of our situation."

"The trend in tough economic times is to put off everything that doesn't require immediate action ? as this chart shows."

'I've decided to step down as your CEO in order to spend more time in jail...'

"Then we have an unspoken agreement?"

'Ah, Galagher, we made good use of your proposal.'

"But don't let my wacky tie fool you. We actually take business very seriously around here."

'Bad news, sir -- there's a leak in our think tank!'

"Who wants to hear a funny story about the third quarter?"

'The shareholders have voted you off the board. We don't feel you're tough enough. On the bright side, you've won this year's Miss Congeniality award.'

'Will you kindly remind the rest of the staff that I'm the managing director - not the Godfather!'

'So do you want me to minute that George is dying of boredom and Nigel will rip my head off if I don't stop boring him with my blather?'

"Serendipity is not a strategy."

'Now that we've defined 'happy deficits' let's try it out on the stockholders.'

'And as my chart clearly shows, I don't know anything.'

"By the end of next week, these fads such as social media, automobiles and making fire will all be over."

"All we have to fear is fear itself and unmet quarterly projections."

"And best of all, it comes fully loaded!"

'I want to claim for black marker pens.'

'These are the end of year figures recollected in tranquility.'

'I really wish you guys would knock that off.'

"In a further effort to increase profits, control costs and satisfy shareholders, we've decided to steal stuff."