Shareholder Storyteller Pillows

Shareholders Meeting: 'Mr Kenny will now take friendly fire from the audience.'

Golly, �1m a year isn't too much. I don't know why your shareholders don't understand you.

'Whoever said 'The only thing we have to fear is fear itself' never had a room full of angry shareholders.'

'There's good news and bad news, J. B. - we now control 51% of this corporation's stock!'

6 Brothers Falafel

"We're pleased to announce that your company has shrewdly traded a cow for some magic beans." some ma

'The shareholders have voted you off the board. We don't feel you're tough enough. On the bright side, you've won this year's Miss Congeniality award.'

'Loved your bit on market share, Felton - perfect blend of plausibility and outright deception.'

"Well, either you're hopelessly optimistic or hopelessly short-sighted."

"In a further effort to increase profits, control costs and satisfy shareholders, we've decided to steal stuff."

'If we have only fractional ownership, it's not a private jet anymore, is it?'

'We're all right as long as they think we're taking millions.'

"So, you want to work at our firm, Eh?"

"The only good news this year, gentlemen, is our massive bonuses."

'This merger will cut jobs 40%, reduce salaries 30% and increase the work hours 25%. Your job is to make this look like the best thing that ever happened to our employees.'

"He'll never win this negotiation. He's saddled with numbers...but we have anecdotes."

Annual Stockholders' Meeting: Take some tissues.

'Now let's proceed downstairs and see where our stock shares presently sits,'

'Hi, I'm the ghost of your past, present and future stock portfolio!'

Of course, we have to begin with certain assumptions. Let's assume I'm right and you're wrong.

"...That's agreed then, we raise our salaries by 40%..."

'That concludes the annual report, I will now fend off questions from the stockholders.'

'Sorry, folks! The CEO and Board of Directors didn't show up.'

"Remember, when they go low... we observe shareholder value and act accordingly."

Would anybody else like to ask a question before the stewards get to them?

'You realize, of course, that that's the fifth 25 stake we've now sold in our entertainment division.'

"Now the board will hear from Todd from Accounting with his free verse composition 'My Mistress, Brash and Beguiling – the Third Quarter Numbers.'"

'Remember Nitro, keep the engine running and once we've bagged the bonus cheques you floor the peddle.'

Wall of Office Memories

"Okay, it if makes you feel better...yes, I have stock in a banana company."

'The bad news is that we're only in it for the money.'

"I called for you creative people because I feel it's time to begin my autobiography."

Handled all of my own investments