Service With Script Gifts

"So, do you see yourself as a car valet who writes screenplays or a screen writer who parks cars?"

'Here's something that should suit your wooden acting style. How do you fancy playing the lead in Pinocchio?'

The witch of the west again showed no water usage for the month.

"I believe it was called 'cursive'."

'You know, you can do this all online now.'

". . . so, all I really need to do is change one word."

'Personally, I love your script, but Rex is pretty certain he smells a bomb!'

"Here's something extra to cover his lousy tip. Blame his fifth grade math teacher."

'They're only interested in computer generated mammoths.' (Theatrical Agent).

"The script is flimsy, the action scenes implausible and the plot would insult the intelligence of a three year old."

"More croutons, sir?"

'It's Sundays like this that I regret our church website is so popular.'

"That script of yours - I've never read such a load of cliched second-rate crap...It'll make us rich..."

'Look on it as... constructive criticism.'

Waiting Room For Godot.

The Waiter

"The character I'm playing has Alzheimer's disease. So, I'm bound to forget my lines occasionally!"

Hollywood Think Tank

"Whatta you mean 'minor script changes?' It's supposed to be a western."

"Don't worry Sir, you're not the first person to ask for a refund and you probably won't be the last!"

"I play the husband, but am promised a speaking part next time."

"This isn't his audition...he's telling us about being an actor."

"No, Barbara, this wouldn't make a great 'Seinfeld' episode!"

Directors Chair and Others.

Actor looks at script called The Sandi Toksvig Story. He says: 'It's not what I had in mind when I said I wanted to play the Dane.'

Internet wedding - 'Apparently, you get a 40% discount if you marry on-line...'

Actors' dispute.

"Richard has quite an ear for dialogue."

Service plan 24-7

'Now here's an Actor with real gravitas!'

Auditioning for Finnegans Wake.

"I'm afraid you'll have to speak to my agent!"

"Why, yes, I am 'still working on that.' You know what I'm not working on? Your gratuity!"