Script Reader Gifts

"I'm afraid you'll have to speak to my agent!"

Actors' dispute.

Actor looks at script called The Sandi Toksvig Story. He says: 'It's not what I had in mind when I said I wanted to play the Dane.'

"This isn't his audition...he's telling us about being an actor."

Quiet? I'd even read for the understudy part for someone who is between engagements.

'Now here's an Actor with real gravitas!'

"I play the husband, but am promised a speaking part next time."

"I've called this meeting to inform you that I'm resigning my position as CEO. I've landed a sweet role on a very popular TV sitcom."

"Don't you know what happens to the naive blonde who goes into the dark cellar? Have you not read the script?"

'They all want to play the star.'

'Here's something that should suit your wooden acting style. How do you fancy playing the lead in Pinocchio?'

"OK, stop me if you've never heard this before!"

". . . so, all I really need to do is change one word."

'Personally, I love your script, but Rex is pretty certain he smells a bomb!'

Athens Playhouse. Euclid is rehearsing a play he wrote about lust, money and lies. Investment Sales Office. Don't be obtuse! Face each other from this angle! He's a tough director. It's surprising that Euclid, the father of geometry, wrote about passion, money and deceit. I thought so too, until I read the script. It's a story about a pyramid scheme and a love triangle!

Hollywood producer.

"So, do you see yourself as a car valet who writes screenplays or a screen writer who parks cars?"

Mega Cosmic Films. It's about a squad of ninja nuns? Yes, we call it "Force of Habit"!

"The script isn't funny, but maybe if we put some unfunny actors in it and get an unfunny director it will be funny."

'You say it's a dramedy? We thought it was more of a coma.'

Ask Sadie! I just read an article where Daisy Ridley said J.J. Abrams wrote drafts for Episode VIII and Episode IX. And then Rian Johnson THREW THAT OUT and went a whole different direction. This makes me lose all faith in Star Wars. Am I overreacting? **Actual reader question. Excellent question. This reminds me of the time I saw Gone with the Wind on opening day. I was the invited guest of an elderly veteran of the Civil War. He couldn't stop yammering about how seceding from the union didn't

"The script is flimsy, the action scenes implausible and the plot would insult the intelligence of a three year old."

Eugene Ionesco

"It's supposed to be a comedy, so I've had Steve, here, red-flag the funny parts."

"I have to ask you a few questions. I've written a screenplay. Would you read it?"

"What are they complaining about?... The local content is the audience...

"He's left a suicide screenplay."

"That script of yours - I've never read such a load of cliched second-rate crap...It'll make us rich..."

'It's 'big office' meets 'poorly-received flop'!'

"And here - take this Vin Diesel monologue with you!"

"The character I'm playing has Alzheimer's disease. So, I'm bound to forget my lines occasionally!"

"I’ve gotta tell you, there’s a lot of demand for a sequel."

'A series based on made-up stories with actors following scripts? Preposterous.'

Waiting Room For Godot.

Woody Allen