Script Reader Gifts

"I'm afraid you'll have to speak to my agent!"

Actors' dispute.

Actor looks at script called The Sandi Toksvig Story. He says: 'It's not what I had in mind when I said I wanted to play the Dane.'

"This isn't his audition...he's telling us about being an actor."

Quiet? I'd even read for the understudy part for someone who is between engagements.

'Now here's an Actor with real gravitas!'

"I play the husband, but am promised a speaking part next time."

"I've called this meeting to inform you that I'm resigning my position as CEO. I've landed a sweet role on a very popular TV sitcom."

"Don't you know what happens to the naive blonde who goes into the dark cellar? Have you not read the script?"

'They all want to play the star.'

'Here's something that should suit your wooden acting style. How do you fancy playing the lead in Pinocchio?'

"OK, stop me if you've never heard this before!"

". . . so, all I really need to do is change one word."

'Personally, I love your script, but Rex is pretty certain he smells a bomb!'

"So, do you see yourself as a car valet who writes screenplays or a screen writer who parks cars?"

"The script isn't funny, but maybe if we put some unfunny actors in it and get an unfunny director it will be funny."

'You say it's a dramedy? We thought it was more of a coma.'

Hollywood producer.

Eugene Ionesco

"It's supposed to be a comedy, so I've had Steve, here, red-flag the funny parts."

"The script is flimsy, the action scenes implausible and the plot would insult the intelligence of a three year old."

"I have to ask you a few questions. I've written a screenplay. Would you read it?"

"That script of yours - I've never read such a load of cliched second-rate crap...It'll make us rich..."

"What are they complaining about?... The local content is the audience...

"He's left a suicide screenplay."

Hollywood Think Tank

Dear Diary

'It's 'big office' meets 'poorly-received flop'!'

Waiting Room For Godot.

"The character I'm playing has Alzheimer's disease. So, I'm bound to forget my lines occasionally!"

"I’ve gotta tell you, there’s a lot of demand for a sequel."

"And here - take this Vin Diesel monologue with you!"

Scrip Doctor

'A series based on made-up stories with actors following scripts? Preposterous.'

"Whatta you mean 'minor script changes?' It's supposed to be a western."