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"For the convenience of our absent members, our ushers will be calling at your homes with their collection plates."

'Today's sermon is on Eve and Adam....'

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

"Sure - After the aggressive guys wear it all out!"

"I see you're back from church. What was cherry-picked for you today?"

'What he said about judgement day is scary. Maybe we should find a good lawyer.'

"Any distinguishing 'PARSONAL' characteristics?"

Monk Prompt

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

'Dearly beloved.....and the rest of you.....'

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

Sermon Applause.

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

"Thank you. It wasn't too 'preachy', was it?"

"Dearly beloved, and others..."

"That was a long three hours! I didn't know you had an extended service plan."

'It's just like New-Time religion, but recognizes sin.'

Pastor puts up sign on pole stating that he is 'serving' his 1,000th sermon.

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

"And on the fourth day god finished the work that he had done and he rested. . ."

"Having completed the formation of the earth, on the seventh day the Lord rested. Then, on the eighth day, the Lord said, 'Let there be problems.' And there were problems."

'Next time the pastor asks if you know what his sermon was about, the answer is not about three hours.'

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

Applause

'Now, where was I when the lectern collapsed?'

"Look, don't 'Amen' me, and I won't 'Amen' you."

'So long as he doesn't preach what he practices.'

"The wages of sin are ... pretty damn attractive."

Come To Church Today and Beat the Christmas Rush.

"And now, a few words about the feel-God factor"

"Pastor, since you refuse to respond to my emails I decided to print off a list of all my objections to your messages."

'I'd like to attract them with dynamic preaching, but I'm not above luring them with sugar.'

"A real old fashioned fire and brimstone message today Preacher."