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"If we could all turn to page 387, turn off your iPods and repeat after me?"

'Today's sermon may seem a little incoherent -- my 'Preach-o-Mat' program crashed.'

'Today's sermon is on Eve and Adam....'

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

"Sure - After the aggressive guys wear it all out!"

"I see you're back from church. What was cherry-picked for you today?"

'What he said about judgement day is scary. Maybe we should find a good lawyer.'

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

"Any distinguishing 'PARSONAL' characteristics?"

Monk Prompt

When Holy Cows Are Sent Out To 'Pastor'.

The Sleeping Congregation.

When Holy Cows are sent out to "Pastor"

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

"Remember that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven

SERMONS 'R' US - everything for the clergy.

Pastor puts up sign on pole stating that he is 'serving' his 1,000th sermon.

"Having completed the formation of the earth, on the seventh day the Lord rested. Then, on the eighth day, the Lord said, 'Let there be problems.' And there were problems."

'Next time the pastor asks if you know what his sermon was about, the answer is not about three hours.'

Credulity, Superstition and Fanaticism.

Applause

'I'd like to attract them with dynamic preaching, but I'm not above luring them with sugar.'

Wall St Baptist: 'Life is exactly like the stock market exchange and we each have our own portfolio to manage.'

"Boy, the Reverend sure has your number."

'So long as he doesn't preach what he practices.'

"A reading from the first letter of Paul to the Corinthians..."

"A real old fashioned fire and brimstone message today Preacher."

'If you see the congregation start to fall asleep, could you give me a little microphone feedback?'

Clerical Training Course - 'Gentlemen, we are here to practise what we preach.'

And then a voice came down from the Lord...

'...And remember, tune in next week at this same time for the exciting conclusion of 'David and Bathsheba.'!'

Words falling out of bible.

'Just remember to get your punch lines in before they fall asleep.'

'The reading is from my brand new mobile phone.'