Sermon Streamers Pillows

"For the convenience of our absent members, our ushers will be calling at your homes with their collection plates."

'Today's sermon is on Eve and Adam....'

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

"Sure - After the aggressive guys wear it all out!"

"I see you're back from church. What was cherry-picked for you today?"

'What he said about judgement day is scary. Maybe we should find a good lawyer.'

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

Monk Prompt

"Any distinguishing 'PARSONAL' characteristics?"

'Dearly beloved.....and the rest of you.....'

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

When Holy Cows are sent out to "Pastor"

Sermon Applause.

When Holy Cows Are Sent Out To 'Pastor'.

"If we could all turn to page 387, turn off your iPods and repeat after me?"

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

"Thank you. It wasn't too 'preachy', was it?"

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

"That was a long three hours! I didn't know you had an extended service plan."

'It's just like New-Time religion, but recognizes sin.'

"And on the fourth day god finished the work that he had done and he rested. . ."

"Dearly beloved, and others..."

Pastor puts up sign on pole stating that he is 'serving' his 1,000th sermon.

"Having completed the formation of the earth, on the seventh day the Lord rested. Then, on the eighth day, the Lord said, 'Let there be problems.' And there were problems."

'Next time the pastor asks if you know what his sermon was about, the answer is not about three hours.'

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

Applause

"Look, don't 'Amen' me, and I won't 'Amen' you."

"Pastor, since you refuse to respond to my emails I decided to print off a list of all my objections to your messages."

"And now, a few words about the feel-God factor"

Come To Church Today and Beat the Christmas Rush.

"A real old fashioned fire and brimstone message today Preacher."

'I'd like to attract them with dynamic preaching, but I'm not above luring them with sugar.'

"The wages of sin are ... pretty damn attractive."

'So long as he doesn't preach what he practices.'