Sermon Smiler Pillows

"...lettuce pray."

'Today's sermon is on Eve and Adam....'

"Microwave to replace gas or oil central heating?" "Yes. Think how cheap it is to microwave a cup of tea!"

'So it's with a heavy heart that I leave you good people of St. Paul's and accept the calling to be minister at the Sunnydell Nudist Colony...'

'My diet seems to be working great! Do you have any less relaxed jeans?'

'Of course my fact-finding tour is legitimate. Can I help if if there are more facts in the Bahamas than Cleveland?'

"My fellow mantises...I can barely believe this, but it has come to my attention that there is a lack of prayer in this church!"

'I really can't think of a thing to preach about this morning, so I'll take questions from the floor.'

'Well, you always said you wanted a water feature for the garden.'

Male On Sunday

'A funny thing happened to me on the way to the church tonight..'

Clerical Training Course - 'Gentlemen, we are here to practise what we preach.'

And then a voice came down from the Lord...

"But if you teach him to fish, you have fed him for a lifetime."

'No more Mr. Nice Guy...'

Driver sees man in front of church with sign: 'Fell Asleep and Wet the Pew': 'Huh - a church that's into public shaming.'

'Good Cholesterol Vs. Bad Cholesterol'

"I meant 'go and make disciples' after the sermon, Bob."

'Just remember to get your punch lines in before they fall asleep.'

'To everything there is a season; a time to cut, and a time to paste...'

Please follow safe worship practices.

"An 'eight' for technical merit, Pastor, but only a 'five' for originality."

"The long prayer peek."

'Why honest is the best policy...'

"That was a good sermon...but I'd have settled for a soundbite."

"Bretheren and Sistern out there in Congregational Land!"

"Stop right there, it's my stockbroker: I have to take this!"

Preaching to the inverted.

REALLY boring sermons

"For those of you visiting our church for the first time just raise your hand and our ushers will refresh your coffee."

Pastor Joe never works blue: 'I avoid the sex and violence of the Old Testament.'

'Pastor Bob is so dramatic.'

'That's GRAVEN images, not GRAVY images.'