Sermon Whisperer Pillows

"If you'll mute your phones, I'll mute mine."

"In the first place, it isn't "maddening crowd.' It's 'madding crowd.' "

'Today's sermon is on Eve and Adam....'

Compression

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

He then drew a number of smaller pie charts behind the bigger chart. That helped to put it into perspective.

Quiz Night...

"Dang, there goes another piece of the wife's good china. You see father, it's

Harris, our Annual Report has been criticised for lack of clarity - well done.

"Guess what. School is presented without commercial interruption."

"I sympathize with how important it is to you, John... but I simply can't bless your lure!"

SERMONS 'R' US - everything for the clergy.

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

'As far as we can tell, the system went down because someone stepped on a crack in the sidewalk.'

Credulity, Superstition and Fanaticism.

"The sellers recommended that I burn some sage during the tour."

'U. . .S. .U. .C. .K. . . . L. . O. . L.'

'Those wafers are no good. Why don't they have cookies?'

'...and where did you bury the bone?'

"Darren Eggleston. I saw that!"

"I'm the ghost of Christmas Tree Future, and honestly, it doesn't turn out well for you."

'I've worked out that all you need for a summer blockbuster is...'

"You'll be able to talk to your husband. I have video conferencing."

'That's o.k., Dugan - 'why do I even bother?' was a rhetorical question.'

Churchwarden Talking to Rector

Is this Seat Taken?

'He's not there at the moment so please leave a message.'

"But if you teach him to fish, you have fed him for a lifetime."

'To maximize student achievement, the Feng Shui consultant advises one student per classroom.'

'If another barman cracks the joke about not serving spirits, I'm leaving ...'

"May I have your attention please???" "NO!!!"

'I find the best way to stop students from always talking to each other in class, is to keep asking questions. Then they have nothing to say.'