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"If you'll mute your phones, I'll mute mine."

"In the first place, it isn't "maddening crowd.' It's 'madding crowd.' "

'Today's sermon is on Eve and Adam....'

Compression

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

He then drew a number of smaller pie charts behind the bigger chart. That helped to put it into perspective.

Get out of the way, Harold - I'm trying to talk to Cuddles.

I used to love coming here. Nudist beach.

Quiz Night...

"Dang, there goes another piece of the wife's good china. You see father, it's

When Holy Cows Are Sent Out To 'Pastor'.

Harris, our Annual Report has been criticised for lack of clarity - well done.

"Guess what. School is presented without commercial interruption."

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

SERMONS 'R' US - everything for the clergy.

"I sympathize with how important it is to you, John... but I simply can't bless your lure!"

'As far as we can tell, the system went down because someone stepped on a crack in the sidewalk.'

"The sellers recommended that I burn some sage during the tour."

Credulity, Superstition and Fanaticism.

"I'm the ghost of Christmas Tree Future, and honestly, it doesn't turn out well for you."

"Darren Eggleston. I saw that!"

'That's o.k., Dugan - 'why do I even bother?' was a rhetorical question.'

'...and where did you bury the bone?'

'Those wafers are no good. Why don't they have cookies?'

'U. . .S. .U. .C. .K. . . . L. . O. . L.'

'I've worked out that all you need for a summer blockbuster is...'

"You'll be able to talk to your husband. I have video conferencing."

Churchwarden Talking to Rector

Is this Seat Taken?

First Annual Psychic Convention

'To maximize student achievement, the Feng Shui consultant advises one student per classroom.'

'If another barman cracks the joke about not serving spirits, I'm leaving ...'

'He's not there at the moment so please leave a message.'

"But if you teach him to fish, you have fed him for a lifetime."

"May I have your attention please???" "NO!!!"