Disaster Smiler Pillows

'Well, you always said you wanted a water feature for the garden.'

"Look! No hands!"

"Microwave to replace gas or oil central heating?" "Yes. Think how cheap it is to microwave a cup of tea!"

'My diet seems to be working great! Do you have any less relaxed jeans?'

"What, no day spa? And you call this a luxury bunker."

Ski lift.

'A funny thing happened to me on the way to the church tonight..'

'He touched you and you can walk again? I just got an illegible prescription.'

"May I suggest hard a-starboard, or port, or whatever!"

"...lettuce pray."

"Who would you like me to call first, the electrician or the plumber?"

"Make it a double, Joe - I'm crying on the inside."

"Stop right there, it's my stockbroker: I have to take this!"

"But part of me hopes there never is an Armageddon."

Chaos at the vet's office.

'Relax dear, the tide isn't due in for ages.'

'Keep going...the future of trite metaphors depends on us.'

Preparation, limitations of: 'It's true then,' thought Selma, as the swift Samuri assassins scaled the inner walls and raced to the spot where she lay pinned...'there are some things you can't prepare for.'

The tip of the iceberg

Superdome: Now Playing Har Bowl.

First Katrina, then oil spills. What's next, a plague of locusts?

'I'm sorry, but zoning laws only allows roads made out of lo-cal gravel.'

"It was their idea to make you breakfast in bed."

"What's wrong, Joey? You're whistling. You never whistle."

"Yippee! I'm right!"

"Floods, fires, big job losses, foreclosures...what else can possibly happen?"