Sensitive Stomach Specialist Gifts

"Save the loaves for the other 4,999. I am gluten intolerant."

"Wow, what are the chances of that four letter word being in your alphabet soup?"

"How am I supposed to trust my gut when it can't even handle a little dairy?"

'Gluten-free manna will come in the second salvo.'

"Yo! You check the pH lately? I have sensitive eyes, ya know."

'Treat me easy this morning.'

Oh, oh... I detect traces of tree nuts... where's my epipen?

"Yes, I have allergies! Hundreds! Because my crazy mother kept me in a germ-free house with no pets and I developed zero immunities!"

"That's why you need to chew your food!" (cow deposited a hay bale).

'Oversensitive Car Alarm'

'I'm so relieved Doc: It would have been a tragedy if he had had a peanut allergy...'

"He's allergic to peanuts, sensitive to wheat, lactose-intolerant, and just plain weirded out by fruit."

'...you say my electronic submission carried a virus that destroyed all the hard drives in your company?'

"We may go vegan in the cafeteria."

"Oh, oh...I detect traces of tree nuts...where's my epipen?"

"If you're going to get this defensive, I'll drop the subject entirely!"

'Achoo! I can't believe I'm allergic to sand. I bet this doesn't end well...'

'Are you sure you are not allergic to seafood.'

"And I told them not to use lactose for the last supper..."

Psychiatrist catches patient's depression.

"Now Harold, you know those always give you heartburn."

"No one is completely abominable."

"Judging by the noises your stomach is making, this app can suggest which restaurant to go to, and what and how much to order."

“I have $3, a dairy allergy, and a very specific pallete. What can you do for me?”

"Now that we can't discuss religion, politics, OR the weather, I got nuthin' to say."

Lactose Intolerant Goldilocks

'I stand here before you with a heavy heart. There is a growing wheat intolerance in our land, and that makes my stomach turn...But get this! They say that's what we're doing to them!'

'That's weird, I don't recall a gerbal the last time we were here!'

'Perhaps, Madam would care to see our low calorie menu?'

'Okay, where's your chair?' - 'I've decided to squat for 8 hours a day to build my thighs.' - 'Won't that hurt?' - 'Fortunately, I've developed a massive pain tolerance by sitting opposite you for so long.'

After hundreds of submissions, he had finally been asked to lunch with the editor of the quarterly.

"I just love the reactions I get every day when I come to work."

"Waiter! Two cognacs and one new liver please."

"Not to be a stick in the mud, but I find 'Torch and Pitch Fork Day' kind of offensive."

"Would it be considered racially insensitive for me to ask what would be considered racially insensitive?"