Senior Superstar Gifts

"It appears that you'll definitely outlive your usefulness."

'Getting old isn't so bad when you consider the only other alternative. . .'

40 Days without an on-the-job conversation.

'Twenty years ago I began jogging five miles a day - could you tell me where I am?'

"You seem troubled, Pastor. Is anything worrying you...I mean aside from the sins of the world, the vanity of humankind, man's inhumanity to man..."

The team video didn't spotlight my talents. I've hired my own film crew. They'll showcase my skills so college recruiters can see my strengths. Wow! How can the director pack so much into one little video? Great point! Daddy? Tell Steven Spielberg we're going feature length. Nice save!

My secret of living to 103? I stay active throwing out junk mail and alert dueling with telephone sales people!

'Apparently it's part of the evolutionary process!'

Your granddaughter is studying for SATs. Oh really? Ahem! What did you get on your practice tests? Drool.

Comedy, Tragedy, Karaoke

"So your agent doesn't like your lawyer, and your PlR. people don't like your manager. They all like you."

"It took a lot of hard work to get here, but it was all worth it in the end."

I downloaded some SAT practice tests. I'll time you. Ok. Ready. "If Ann spends every day obsessing over stupid tests,

"Please refrain from throwing business cards."

Cleaning the Horse

"Is there a spin doctor in the house?"

"Look, I'm the bobblehead of this team."

"I'm delighted that you feel better, but I'd go easy on those backflips!"

'Yes, doctor, I sang to her constantly as a baby. Her first words were ‘Gimme Ipod'.'

Sunshine Retirement Villa: Pool, Golf, Tennis and Financial Planner.

George Best

Senior Olympics

'Your standardized test scores are impressive, but we have no standardized jobs.'

'Kid, go out there and play like you're worth 29 million plus signing bonus, buyouts, and endorsement deals. '

The only drug this league tests positive for is Geritol.

Nice custom job, Bill!

The family tradition lives on: I won the Long Jump and the Triple Jump events...

'They wanted us to take the knee before kick off, but I was worried half of us might not be able to get up again'

Lester adhered to his morning exercise regime.

'Me retire? Never!!!'

'I think our fans are excited for us. It just doesn't seem like it because of doing 'The Wave' they do 'The Still Water'.'

Sports for slipper wearers.

'Sometimes I wish I was all thumbs, then I could text faster.'

The drug test showed no prescription painkillers in his system, so we had to suspend him. OFF. 7. 7. 8.

Old husband is knitted over by old wife.