Self-talk Expert Gifts

'If I didn't have me to talk to, I think I'd go nuts.'

"You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? Then who the heck else are you talking... you talking to me?"

"How to talk to people" "Make them rue the day"

Trivia Night in Apartment 8-G

"Remember, I want to hear fifteen solid minutes of small talk before you ask for the Wi-Fi password."

"I said, the brewery has rather overdone the ambiance in here..."

"I enjoy being old - my health always gives me something to talk about!"

'Sure I talk to myself. It's the only way I can have an intelligent conversation round here.'

"So you're saying if I wasn't so smart, I'd have more friends?"

'Too expensive, too long, sounds boring, the jacket is lousy...'

"Lovely weather for it."

Ok, the first challenge is to throw out all the cheap crap in the swag bag we just gave you.

"Be patient with Ed. You can skip his political harangue in 15 seconds and move right onto sports."

"I moved out here for peace and quiet, but now I keep talking to myself."

'Have we met someplace? Yes, that's why I quit going there.'

"Actually, I don't consider myself to be a have or a have-not. I'm more of a have-to-have."

"We'll get him to talk."

'What are you doing at the weekend?'

'Do I have anything to say before you pass sentence? Yes, but you go first. My remarks depend on what the sentence is.'

"Take your pick—those people are talking schools. Next to them is real estate, and over by the stairs is money."

"Mid-life crisis is so defining - couldn't we just call it 'Puberty - the sequel?"

Of course I talk to myself. It's the only intelligent conversation I have all day.

"Wonderful! This way I can go block after block talking to myself and nobody looks at me as if I were crazy."

"I looked up my symptoms on the Internet and I think I've got bovine spongiform encephalitis."

"Donald is an appendicitis survivor, too."

"I don't know the meaning of the word 'enough'."

'You're unquestionably the most handsome, intelligent, virile, chick-magnet to ever grace these parts.'

"I need a good pair of inner voice-cancelling headphones."

"Hot enough for ya'?"

'Hey, I'm no longer an ugly duckling! Now I'm an ugly duck!'

"Stick to the script, Larry."

Worm inside Ed's head all alone.