Self-righteous Foodie Pillows

"Oh, I don't eat turkey. One of my spiritual advisers is a turkey."

I'd like to take this menu and shove it where the sun don't shine. But I'll settle for the omelette & hash browns...

Cambridge dons eat a banquet outside to prove they only get one chicken each.

'The second day of my diet is the easiest. By then, I'm off my diet.'

"Would you like to see today's liquidized menu?"

'However hard I try to lose weight, it always finds me again.'

'Is it organic?'

"And what would you like to regret later?"

Free Range Chickens

"He's a fussy eater."

Shrimp cook

"You didn't say 'excellent choice' when I ordered! What did I do wrong?"

Restaurant: Come & Get It! Bland Cuisine - 'Just plain food, good, but nothing fancy.'

'...And when it registers over 140 pounds, it automatically triggers the refrigerator lock.'

'There you are - you know you're not supposed to be eating that!'

Cull people who think, because it's organic, they can sell produce that's past its best.

'Whatever fast food - fried stuff, fat, sugar, salt for the 'Doesn't Bother Me' person'.

"You asked me to keep a food diary, this is last week's!"

'I'll have a BLT sandwich -- hold the 'B'.'

'I spent the afternoon over a $500 lunch explaining how bad business is.'

'I like home cooking if it's in someone else's home.'

'Now that I can afford anything on the menu, I can't digest anything on the menu.'

'Excuse me, ma'am, there's a fly in my...'

"Lady, I didn't go to barista school just to serve you black coffee."

"The jelly required a soupçon more texture on the custard was on the wrong side of sweet."

Fish & chips in newspaper of the year.

Strict Diet,

'Some people get a placebo meal - inferior, less nutritious ingredients.'

'Still it can't be any worse than last year, I never thought we'd have to suffer a 'traditional lacto-vegan' Christmas dinner.'

Soda! So many useless calories! Oh? You're wondering why I'm still round if I don't drink the stuff? Well? I got fat the old-fashioned way. I eat too much.

"I don't like sweetcorn".

Would you like to start by complaining about an appetizer? Or are you ready to go ahead and complain about a meal?

Watermelon Cult

Granny Wilson's Home Baked Cakes.

'I can't conceal it any longer - the food in this place is killing you.'