Self-proclaimed Star Gifts

"An actor, you say? Guess you caught the acting-like-a-waiter bug."

Pony express. Pony express yourself. Pony express yourself so much he left.

'Hey guys?. . . Help us think what Dale could do for his '15 minutes of fame.''

A backup plan might be a good idea, in case 'being a celebrity' doesn't work out...

"If there is no more American Idol what am I going to do to become famous?"

"Er. . . anything else?"

'Man it's a tough crowd tonight!'

"So your agent doesn't like your lawyer, and your PlR. people don't like your manager. They all like you."

'... And I'd like to thank my agent and everyone who voted for me... '

"Is there a spin doctor in the house?"

Dog picturing himself on stage.

"If you work hard enough, and find the right reality show, you can grow up to be anything you want."

"I promised myself I would never let this happen to me."

"Great news, babe. I'm on the fall schedule."

'So, did I get the job?'

'That should be an easy act to follow.'

'I must admit that I've come a long way since I first heard the word speak!...'

Street musician: 'Opening in VEGAS next week'.

Spin Dentistry...'Hollywood, here I come...'

'Jeff! You need to keep one foot on the ground!'

Always stick to the script.

"I consider it an honor just to be sitting with someone who's thinking of becoming an actress."

Waiting to be discovered, or taken to work, whichever comes first...

"I like you kid, but you're really just a work in progress!"

"Your career needs a jumpstart. Rehab is pass?. How about 3 weeks in prison?"

'How's that solo career working out for you?'

"You're my agent, tell me - what do I have to do to be taken seriously as an animal-bloopers-show host?"

Maps to the Hovels of Would Be Stars.

"Never mind my lawyer - I want to call my agent. this will make a great mini-series."