Self-proclaimed Star Prints

'I don't see how you can put your profession as TV star just because you were in the crowd of Match of the Day!'

"An actor, you say? Guess you caught the acting-like-a-waiter bug."

Pony express. Pony express yourself. Pony express yourself so much he left.

The team video didn't spotlight my talents. I've hired my own film crew. They'll showcase my skills so college recruiters can see my strengths. Wow! How can the director pack so much into one little video? Great point! Daddy? Tell Steven Spielberg we're going feature length. Nice save!

Mr. K's essay is such a drag! Yeah, but I've got to do really well. Twig! You're such a grind! Am not! Life isn't only about grades. I know! But he's directing the spring musical. And my singing won't get me the part all by itself! English: Gateway to the Grammys.

Maps to the homes of guys with friends who know some of the limo drivers of the personal trainers of the stars.

'Hey guys?. . . Help us think what Dale could do for his '15 minutes of fame.''

A backup plan might be a good idea, in case 'being a celebrity' doesn't work out...

"If there is no more American Idol what am I going to do to become famous?"

"Er. . . anything else?"

The Quack Quack Diaries: Quack Quack Writes A Top Ten Hit

'Man it's a tough crowd tonight!'

"So your agent doesn't like your lawyer, and your PlR. people don't like your manager. They all like you."

'Here's looking at you, kid...'

'... And I'd like to thank my agent and everyone who voted for me... '

I'm trying out for the spring play. You'll be great! Ha! You'll be grateful to be an usher, Meryl Creep. Yeah. The good parts go to real actors. Sigh. The arts are sooo uplifting.

"Is there a spin doctor in the house?"

Dog picturing himself on stage.

'That should be an easy act to follow.'

"I promised myself I would never let this happen to me."

"Great news, babe. I'm on the fall schedule."

"If you work hard enough, and find the right reality show, you can grow up to be anything you want."

'So, did I get the job?'

'I must admit that I've come a long way since I first heard the word speak!...'

"I consider it an honor just to be sitting with someone who's thinking of becoming an actress."

"I like you kid, but you're really just a work in progress!"

Waiting to be discovered, or taken to work, whichever comes first...

'Jeff! You need to keep one foot on the ground!'

Always stick to the script.

Street musician: 'Opening in VEGAS next week'.

Spin Dentistry...'Hollywood, here I come...'

"Your career needs a jumpstart. Rehab is pass?. How about 3 weeks in prison?"

'How's that solo career working out for you?'

"You're my agent, tell me - what do I have to do to be taken seriously as an animal-bloopers-show host?"

Maps to the Hovels of Would Be Stars.