Self-praise Expert Pillows

'You're unquestionably the most handsome, intelligent, virile, chick-magnet to ever grace these parts.'

"I don't post selfies because I don't want people to feel better or worse about their looks."

"If I 'HAD IT ALL' it would it be enough?"

"I chose to stand up to special interest groups!"

"This next one's called 'Song for Me'."

Three card brag - I'm great! I'm really handsome & I'm very rich.

Always remember...you're the best you in the world.

"Good evening. In today's top story, my book has jumped to Number Three on the best-seller list."

"Who cares what little kids think? What's important is that you believe in yourself."

"We really need to put some more mirrors in here."

'You should have seen me sooner, Mr. Fenswick.'

'The baby took some cellphone pictures of you napping!'

'Guess what! I got my act together! And this is it!'

"I've decided to redefine as a GREAT artist."

"If I'm coming across as shallow, uncaring and egocentric, talk to my image manager."

'It's Always 'Good Dog'—Never 'Great Dog.'

"Never mind how other see you, how do you see yourself?"

Seminar: Find Someone Cool to Imitate.

"Science has proven that if you don't know what you're talking about, people will still take you seriously if you act like you do...Especially if you back it up by saying 'Science has proven' it."

"Nobody wants to steal my identity."

Body Shaming

"Don't make me look fat!"

"Even my mother and father never believed in me."

"Be honest, Ralph, does my butt makes these pants look big?"

'You know, it's not good for kids' self-esteem to keep harping on about this 'naughty or nice' stuff.'

Self Love Witch

'Casper just lost twenty seven and a half pounds, but his head is just as fat as ever.'

Santa Self Esteem.

'You've got a lot of nerve, lady, calling my son's answers 'wrong'...His answers may be different, but they're just as special and beautiful as anyone else's.'

Ms. Walsh, I'll be unavailable today...I'm spending it with my ego wall.

If Only Magazine: The Pot Belly Is In!

"It's always 'The humble lima bean this, and the humble lima bean that.'"