Self-improvement Fanatic Pillows

She was always an introvert.

"Oh, we have a special hell for triathletes. It's just like regular life, except you can't talk about your triathlons."

They hated me.

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

'My body has rejected every diet I've tried.'

"I spent all day learning productivity hacks"

"Teach yourself what you don't know you don't know."

"I know it’s an issue, and we’re working on it in therapy."

"... And finally, I’d like to thank the FDA for approving Botox."

"Let me slip into something a little more thoughtful."

A man sprays his bald head with "Spray Hair" to make it seem as thought he has hair.

"This could be the year someone actually goes up there."

'Believe me, I know transformation isn't easy. I pulled a muscle once.'

Feedback should be sought for genuine reasons, not because you want compliments. . .

What else is there to wish for?

"I hurt a lot of people during my last twelve steps."

Critisize your weight.

Cat with Lion reflection in mirror

Introducing... The Everything Else Morning-After Pill!

'It must be a problem of interpretation. I've read this book DOZENS of times, and I keep winding up here!'

"I like you in that one—it gives you an aura of mindfulness."

'The second diet of my diet is always the easiest. By then, I'm off my diet.'

"My diet plan for you is if it tastes good, spit it out."

Unhappy man with 'rabbit-ear' fingers behind his head.

'And when your mother said that you would never be an Olympic gymnast, how did that make you feel?'

"I haven't lost any weight after two weeks of dieting, but my hair's getting thinner."

(Man with 'BEFORE sign): 'My wife says I'm a work-in-progress.'

Self Help / Elf Help.

"...Wow, if Malcolm Gladwell is right, we need to get a cat who's a Virgo ASAP!"

Giving Things Up For Lent.

"Albert the Great—what a joke."

'OK. Lose weight, stop smoking, get fit, get a better job, spend more time with the kids, cut back on the booze, be better with money and buy a speed boat.'

"When you're healed, I'm going to wear it so I can't see what I weigh."

'Do you think I need to eat less. Do you have a book you could recommend to tell me how?'

"How's the job interviews going?" "Not well. Seems they only want the best and the brightest."