Self-improvement Fanatic Pillows

"Oh, we have a special hell for triathletes. It's just like regular life, except you can't talk about your triathlons."

They hated me.

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

'My body has rejected every diet I've tried.'

"I spent all day learning productivity hacks"

"Teach yourself what you don't know you don't know."

"Let me slip into something a little more thoughtful."

"... And finally, I’d like to thank the FDA for approving Botox."

"I know it’s an issue, and we’re working on it in therapy."

A man sprays his bald head with "Spray Hair" to make it seem as thought he has hair.

"This could be the year someone actually goes up there."

'Believe me, I know transformation isn't easy. I pulled a muscle once.'

Feedback should be sought for genuine reasons, not because you want compliments. . .

What else is there to wish for?

Introducing... The Everything Else Morning-After Pill!

Cat with Lion reflection in mirror

"I hurt a lot of people during my last twelve steps."

Critisize your weight.

'It must be a problem of interpretation. I've read this book DOZENS of times, and I keep winding up here!'

"I like you in that one—it gives you an aura of mindfulness."

'The second diet of my diet is always the easiest. By then, I'm off my diet.'

"My diet plan for you is if it tastes good, spit it out."

'And when your mother said that you would never be an Olympic gymnast, how did that make you feel?'

Self Help / Elf Help.

"I haven't lost any weight after two weeks of dieting, but my hair's getting thinner."

(Man with 'BEFORE sign): 'My wife says I'm a work-in-progress.'

"...Wow, if Malcolm Gladwell is right, we need to get a cat who's a Virgo ASAP!"

Giving Things Up For Lent.

"Albert the Great—what a joke."

'OK. Lose weight, stop smoking, get fit, get a better job, spend more time with the kids, cut back on the booze, be better with money and buy a speed boat.'

"Wings will be cool, I guess, but I'm mostly hoping the braces and pimples fall off."

"In my class, I'm not interested in grades. I'm interested in you becoming a better person!"

Top Ten New Year's Resolutions

"How's the job interviews going?" "Not well. Seems they only want the best and the brightest."