Self-importance Fan Pillows

'Anyway enough about me. Let's talk about my job instead.'

"We're following Carrot Top."

William Shakespeare sitting at a desk

Introducing... The Everything Else Morning-After Pill!

The Da Vinci Cod

A cow goes to the Fortune Teller - 'I can see two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun...!'

You're my Venus

"A wise choice sir! Aah. . . Da Vinci - a genius of the Renaissance and a man who changed the face of art forever! Would you like that as a bookmark, a pencil sharpener or a fridge magnet. . . ?"

Two vending machines for fisherman: 'Live Bait' next to 'Dead as a Doornail Bait'

"I became a mentor because I needed more direction in life."

"No, I want to know the meaning of never calling your mother."

'His ego needs lipo suction!'

"Ok, maybe this isn't happening."

"Goodnight, Dan, you handsome devil!"

"I attended a leadership seminar, they learnt a lot from me."

The trick to losing weight is to eat a small portion and wait 10 minutes. By then your resolve has caught up with your appetite!

Rembrandt's Selfies

"I'm not loitering officer, I 'm waiting for the next renaissance!"

"I worry that some people find me boring"

Your Palm

"He's a widowed eighty-year-old billionaire with a 'Do Not Resuscitate' tattoo...what's not to like?"

"Travel changed me."

Development of disgusting new flaws. Loving acceptance of your flaws.

A man imagines he looks like a farmer on a tractor on a ride-on mower and

"It's okay. I'm still ranked at the top of my class in self-esteem."

"You're so vein."

"They may be champagne problems, but they're my problems."

Thomas Wyatt