Self-help Gurus Gifts

"Well, dear, we finally finished reading all the manuals to life. Shall we go out and do some living now?"

"When I looked in the mirror this morning, Bill, I realized I no longer knew or respected the man I saw there. And after the initial shock wore off, it hit me: I CAN WORK WITH THIS!"

'Has it occurred to you you might be suffering from negative self image?'

"It seems my fear of death has been replaced by my fear of politics."

Kiosk in large lobby with sign above it labeled 'Empathy'.

Self help acupuncture

My Bookshelf Before the Internet

"Tonight! Author book signing." "Develop your inner raging bitch."

'Let me through, I'm at Doctor.com.'

"Teach yourself what you don't know you don't know."

"He could have been the national bird, but that was a long, long time ago."

'I don't like heights...maybe that's why I've had so many low points in my life.'

"Could you go back to the front desk? The receptionist has some forms for you to fill out."

"Let me slip into something a little more thoughtful."

'No, honestly, it's just diet and exercise.'

"What do you want to talk about first...the kleptomania or the hoarding?"

Relationship Warning Lights

"Do you have any of those books that understand men?"

Understanding The Other Side, Whether Men, Women, or Mice.

Road Forks in the Road: No Way and Yes Way.

Window Treatment

'Let's start out with cliches and pithy slogans - and work our way up to wisdom ...OK?'

For some reason, "The Road Less Travelled" GPS package never really caught on...

Introducing... The Everything Else Morning-After Pill!

'If you want to live a long time, try not to do anything that will kill you.'

"You left your demons here last week."

"Then one day, as I caught a tennis ball in midair, I asked myself, 'Is this all there is?'"

"The goal is to hate yourself."

"Always remember...it takes teamwork to get me that promotion!"

"I can't get used to being a grownup."

"You've reached Randy the love doctor. What ails you?"

'I think I just had an epiphany. How do I make it go away?'

'It must be a problem of interpretation. I've read this book DOZENS of times, and I keep winding up here!'

"The doctor will be with you two in a second. As for you, I'd recommend a motivational speaker."

'I'm into New Age. My new age is 26.'