Selective Hearing Humorist Gifts

People at a meeting passing around cotton wool for their ears.

"Suddenly, you’re a fan of New England stone work?"

"Ma'am, you don't have an ant problem. They're coffee grounds."

"I've thought about retiring, but there's a great deal of gravity under this chair."

"As a dental hygienist, the first thing I noticed was your smile."

'I, Dom Perignon, will now uncork the very first bottle of Champagne. Of course, I'm just guessing this is the right way to do it.'

'I didn't hear you calling. I can't listen to everybody who yells at me.'

Old men,"I have terrible trouble with my joints..the cannabis keeps falling out."

"The good new is I found your dentures. The bad news is the dog has a new chew toy."

Lady Liberty's Self-Care

Translating Contractor to English

Superhero with Acrophobia

Soldier in medieval battle says: 'Oi, take it easy! This is an English Heritage site.'

"Why is there a picture of an old man in the bathroom?"

"Everybody freeze! This is a stickup!"

'Open wide.' 'Your wallet.'

The seeing-eye cat.

'He became a dissident Dissident in protest at the Dissidents.'

Husband's sudden interest in Aquafit is all because of the sexy instructor.

'Peace is at hand! - I just signed the Bagpipe Limitation Treaty!'

"Attention, shoppers!! We have a senior lost in the produce section!. . ."

Senior Chat Rooms.

"Excuse me, would you mind taking your portable zombie game to another carriage?"

A child offers an old man adult diapers in the grocery store.

"My handicap is the water, trees, windows, the highway..."

"With my handicap I can park just about anywhere I want to!"

'And that is Great Grandpa Bobo. They say he slipped on a banana peel and died, but I think it was just a heart attack.'

'Don't be silly -- how can a PARROT be part Scottish?'

Dinosaur scared of a mouse.

My sister just had twins, Lance! A boy and a girl! What an all-encompassing birth! You can't do better than that! What about triplets? A boy, a girl, and a transvestite. (This cartoon was originally published on 2010-08-16).

'Don't distract me now: I have only a few seconds to text myself a reminder before I forget...'

Sorry the dementia statistics are not ready, they keep losing count.'

'I still prefer the pipe. A ceremony isn't the same sharing nicotine peace gum.'

Alice the Nympho

'It's time you knew, Son -- you were abandoned here as a child by aliens.'