Selective Hearing Humorist T-Shirts

People at a meeting passing around cotton wool for their ears.

"Suddenly, you’re a fan of New England stone work?"

"I've thought about retiring, but there's a great deal of gravity under this chair."

"Ma'am, you don't have an ant problem. They're coffee grounds."

"As a dental hygienist, the first thing I noticed was your smile."

'I, Dom Perignon, will now uncork the very first bottle of Champagne. Of course, I'm just guessing this is the right way to do it.'

'I didn't hear you calling. I can't listen to everybody who yells at me.'

Old men,"I have terrible trouble with my joints..the cannabis keeps falling out."

Lady Liberty's Self-Care

"The good new is I found your dentures. The bad news is the dog has a new chew toy."

Translating Contractor to English

Superhero with Acrophobia

"Everybody freeze! This is a stickup!"

'He became a dissident Dissident in protest at the Dissidents.'

The seeing-eye cat.

"Why is there a picture of an old man in the bathroom?"

'Open wide.' 'Your wallet.'

Husband's sudden interest in Aquafit is all because of the sexy instructor.

'Peace is at hand! - I just signed the Bagpipe Limitation Treaty!'

"Attention, shoppers!! We have a senior lost in the produce section!. . ."

"Excuse me, would you mind taking your portable zombie game to another carriage?"

Senior Chat Rooms.

Dinosaur scared of a mouse.

'And that is Great Grandpa Bobo. They say he slipped on a banana peel and died, but I think it was just a heart attack.'

"My handicap is the water, trees, windows, the highway..."

"With my handicap I can park just about anywhere I want to!"

'Don't be silly -- how can a PARROT be part Scottish?'

'Don't distract me now: I have only a few seconds to text myself a reminder before I forget...'

Sorry the dementia statistics are not ready, they keep losing count.'

'I still prefer the pipe. A ceremony isn't the same sharing nicotine peace gum.'

"Watch out Stan, we've got a tail-gater."

Alice the Nympho

'It's time you knew, Son -- you were abandoned here as a child by aliens.'