Screwdriver Satirist Gifts

Hardware - "Where do you keep the elbow grease?"

'Do you think, perhaps, that we could start shooting for a few longer-term goals around here?'

'I hope you're not threatened by powerful women, because you're fired.'

I'm looking for employees who have their own unique way of seeing things my way.

"If nothing else needs welding, Paula, I'm going to lunch."

'Don't think of it as being a yes man, think of it as being an employed man.'

"I realize we had to liquidate some assets, but don't you think I'd be more productive if I had a desk?"

'I like the way you handle responsibility, McWit, so I'm going to blame some stuff on you.'

"Well the good news is that after the reorganisation you'll be leading the team."

Employee won't think about work outside of box

"No training period, but you can purchase my instructional video on line for $49.95."

"The new chairman has dropped the brain-storming meetings."

'Why me Lord?' '...because yo have animal magnetism Noah...'

In and Out Tray

National Boss Monument.

Armstrong, the only doctor covered in the new health plan you got me is a veterinarian! Beats no coverage. Yeah, if you're a parakeet. You're so cheap. You don't value me at all. You ingrate. I didn't have to give you health benefits. Lots of employers don't cover their animals. You mean workers. Stop your barking.

"Janet, cancel my Guido's reservation. I'll be having lunch in the office."

'Perkins, we're getting rid of some of the dead wood around here.'

Please bring me a few sharpened pencils and some lucrative business.

'I'm delegating everything but my paycheck and my snazzy office to you.'

'I don't want your input until you produce some output.'

'Remember, Jenkins, I want those briefs on my desk by morning.'

"You work well without supervision? Fat chance of that happening in here!"

Meet Grant, he came up through the ranks.

'We took the old plan, folded in half, and now it's the new plan.'

'The organizational structure is pretty simple: We do the work; they take the credit.'

'Sorry, I can't give you a raise. However, I can offer you a splendid opportunity to share the profits.'

Office temperature.

'On your marks. Get set. Go!' - 'Come on! Keep going! You can do it!' - 'Yay! You're 8 hours closer to the grave!' - 'Oh, God.'

'The question is - to what level of data do we wish to stoop.'

'I'm being promoted to The Capable Office - he said I'm incapable!'

'I blame the nothing for something culture.'

Guess which "squeaky wheel" got another raise.

'Frankly, I'm ed up with brilliant, independent thinkers. I'm looking for a good old fashioned yes man.'

'Brains...brains...brains...'