Screw-top Skeptic Pillows

Ah! Bejezus...for the love of Mike...This wine is corked

'Would Sir like to smell the screw-top?'

"I know it looks fine, but let's get an engineer's report and a termite inspection just to be on the safe side."

Doctor to overweight patient: 'I assure you, stomach stapling is quite routine these days.'

Library. Story Hour. This fact-checking site says no cow has ever jumped over the moon.

Weight Gain Denial

"I gained 10 pounds? I've brought my own bathroom scale for a second opinion."

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'

Woman and scales.

"I wouldn't have to go on a diet if we hadn't gone metric."

Please seat to be weighted.

"Social service teams are claiming that they can't recruit workers because of the vicious, biased reports we write about them!"

"Firstly, have you ever had an appendix out before?"

"What would I have to do to be sent to my room without just the Brussels sprouts?"

'Your weight second opinion.'

'...And when it registers over 140 pounds, it automatically triggers the refrigerator lock.'

"With the wearing of this mystic talisman, you will never be plagued by any of the minor ailments usually handled by over-the-counter drugs!"

'LIAR!'

"The 'intervention' got out of hand."

"Bark bark bark woof yap!" It might be good, but I'm just not in the mood for subtitles.

"What do you want to be when you give up?"

"What we really need is a long term quick fix."

They all have to get down the slide in 2.7 seconds or we lose our funding. In schools soon: The recess aptitude test.

"I'm binge ignoring everything you're binge watching."

A person is reading another person's thoughts.

'No matter what you do, you can't cheat a bathroom scale...'

"We gave every employee the latest fitness tracker wristband. It helps them keep tabs on our 35-step-per-day limit."

'Wine and food doesn't go to waste in this hous, but it does go to waist.'

'You lie!'

Door-to-Door Liposuction.

'-OK, if you elect not to have the surgery, the insurance company offers six days and seven nights in Barbados.'

'Lincoln Standardized Test Center - formerly Lincoln High School'

'Botox is one thing, but that's the last time I go to a liposuction party!'

Lady getting her weight taken and machine exploding under pressure.

'Really, doctor! Minor surgery is out of the question.'