Screen Size Debater Gifts

Gimme a latte, geek. In a sec. I'm watching the end of a tv show on my new cellphone. Look out, Jack! Didn't you just buy a 50-inch plasma?! Is that a man or a tree?

My new laptop is nicer than your new laptop. I'm not going to get into a competition about whose new laptop is nicer. The one I replaced is nicer than the one you replaced. Stop it.

Changing Minds

'You'll never believe this - they've found the actual body of Jesus!'

The Proust of Twitter

"Stand up, honey. The president's on. You're committing treason."

"Honey, come quick! This guy in the comments section just solved the Middle East crisis."

"I had a great weekend... My Grandpa talked about the war again and my Dad about his most daring facebook comments!"

"His father came from a family of climbers."

Print Suicide

The only Universal Truths that all religions agree upon.

'I can watch T.V. shows on the computer, so who needs a TV?'

I can't keep up, Randy. What happened, little buddy? You know how I created a hate-bot to automate my back you up in online arguments business? Don't tell me: The Russian troll farms beat you to it. No. My hate-bot became sentient and created an even snarkier hate-bot. Mankind is officially obsolete. For an extra $1, the HB-1000 will throw in racism and misogyny.

"The phone takes some effort to unfold completely, but the 24" screen makes it all worthwhile.

"I'm suffering the unbearable loneliness of being right on the internet."

"Good news - You can get wine in pints now! Bad news - It's British wine."

"I know you're wrong, I just can't get the computer to say it yet."

"Not now, honey. Daddy's arguing with strangers about the sexual orientation of puppets."

"I can tell you about this article or you can just read the comments online."

In baseball we can't practice social distancing when everybody is told to stay at home.

"Sorry, Man! I had no idea Alexa would be here!"

Philosophie.fr Bulletin Board - 1936

To tweet, or not to tweet - that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the snark and the venomous replies of anonymous jerks

I'm loving the phone hacking scandal. I love it when ne'er-do-wells use technology to steal personal information. Because you like when people suffer. No. Because I love it when technology is proven as evil. Spare me. Technology is not evil. People are evil. Computers don't hack people. People hack people. Macs hack, Macs hack! You watch your mouth, filthy human! Fight, fight …

Kids today

'What did you say? 'The light is nothing but an ordinary streetlamp'? Oh no! My own son is an atheist??!'

'Don't internalise that simmering rage -- get it out of your system on website comments sections.'

Rudy, be reasonable. We can't have a functioning media if everyone starts putting up their own stories on the web. We need professional ethics. We need editing. We need fact-checking. We need

Oh no! What's wrong? I tweeted a sarcastic insult about Brian Blount, my nemesis in the race for class president. So? So … the sarcasm didn't come through. All my followers think I was praising him. Oh. Yeah, well sarcasm's tricky online. Oh no! My followers are confused about where my loyalties lie. Oh no! Some of them are calling me a sellout. They're saying they're disillusioned! Oh no! Now they've split into two factions, those who say I'm a sellout and those who say maybe Brian Blount isn't

"They're powered by Internet outrage."

"It's the first law of social media."

"Yeah yeah, nice, but how many online followers do you have?"

"The hive mind has reached a consensus about 'Wolverine'."

"It's a new travel computer. It fits in your pocket. I suggest bringing your reading glasses."

"Ugh... Jerry Saltz is totally junking up my feed again."