Scone Detective Gifts

14! What does that mean? We started the day with 100 pastries. We sold 85. There should be 15 left. But there are only 14. Overreaction coming. STOLEN SCONE!!! Breathe.

We're here at House of Java cafe at an all-too-familiar scene. House of Java.net Cybercafe. Tommy Jones, a local boy, has been caught stealing a scone. A minor offense? Not to the cafe's proprietor. He's demanding the boy be sentenced as an adult. But I'm eight! Wahhh! Add a year to the sentence for whining and crying.

Drink for me and my hot mamma. Now! We don't serve beer. Latte. Two, punk! Decaf. You don't want to see him angry. Also, low-foam and soy milk would be great. You don't want to see him gassy. Can I get one of those little Twizzler sticks to stir it with? Cube of brown sugar, please. And one nonfat blueberry scone! Two! I'd like to see how John Wayne would've ordered a fancy coffee drink.

Secretive Weigh In.

"I don't see a destination called 'Veganville' sir."

'If he could trace the matching sock I've another 25 or 30 to account for.'

"The article says there was a break-in at the museum last night. I don't suppose you know anything about that."

'The following programme contains scones of a sexual nature.'

Sherlock Holmes Museum: No Hounds.

'Does anyone know where we keep the unwritten rules?'

"Communion at the contemporary service is scones and coffee."

Who stole my candy?

'If they rise they're scones. If not they're pancakes.'

Office of the PR of the United States

"We've already had 35 people sign up for our new latte, scone and debt-consolidation loan combo. Where are you going to get all this money to loan people? Are you wearing a wire? Are you sure this is on the level? Smash your cellphone and I'll answer you."

Medusa enjoys a rare night out, incognito.

How much for a blueberry scone? $3.25. I'll give you $1.20. Huh? $1.40. $1.45. It's not negotiable. Shrewd. $1.65. $2.00. $2.10. $2.25, but I want free shipping! Ebay addicts. $3 for your sandwich. $6.

"I'm worried you're not getting enough fruit and vegetables."

What can I get you? A lemonade, and a scone for my avatar. No way. You have an avatar? Sure. Who doesn't? It's the hip thing. But that's just a movie concept. You're living in an imaginary kid world, right? If you say so. Okay, so one lemonade and one pretend scone. Real scone. For my real avatar. Don't let it get to you. How come I don't have an avatar?!?! You're cruel, lady. Give me my $5. Best money I ever spent.

Tony Blair and Blairwash.

"There are scones in the oven too, in case you're peckish."

"I found the problem with your dryer. . . here are a bunch of socks you probably thought were lost!"

'Hmmm...where's that other sock?'

'How come I haven't got a pair of socks?'

I didn't know there were so many gardeners. They aren't gardeners. Flower Show. He is. She isn't. She is. How can you tell? Look at their feet!

"We won't lose any more socks in the laundry...I knotted them all together."

"So. . . you're back!"

"Actually, I'm not hungry anymore. While I was waiting for my scone, I had one of your delicious sconces instead!"

'What's that?' - 'If they rise they're scones, if they not they're pancakes.'

"Do you really want to tell me that you don't know anything about the vanishing of 21 socks within the last four months??!"

Gurus wise words on lost socks

After ditching the footwraps the Russian army faces the lost sock paradox.

"Before you open it and check its not is stool sample!"

Tommy, I have a question for you. I didn't do nothin'. We're missing a scone. Now, no one's accusing you of anything. I swear, you've got the wrong guy. I definitely didn't take a scone when you went to check email because I was super hungry. You have the right to remain silent. I did it!

Scrutinising a burger under a magnifying glass.