Schoolyard Diplomat Gifts

"I'll trade you a peanut butter sandwich for your meds."

Who posted the hilarious pics of you with the goofy haircut? Not sure. Someone who wants to humiliate me. One of the usual cyber bullies. No. Meaner. Hmm

"You can tell your imaginary friend that I won't bully you no more!"

"Whenever he shows up everything turns to crap!"

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

'We can't go on meeting like this'.

Danae's Career Plans: 'The major product manufactured today is punditry, so I'm honing my argumentative skills to work my way to the top of the blow hard industry..my goal is to become a spin ninja...'

"My owner is teaching me to think before barking, which gave Federal Express plenty of time to clobber me."

"Getting into a fight is one thing, but did you have to get into a class-clearing brawl?"

'We consult those with whom we agree, which is why I rarely consult my conscience.'

Well, everything's going great! I guess it's time to bring in the naysayers.

'At first I was grounded, but my lawyer was able to plea bargain it down to 30 minutes in the Time Out Chair.'

"Don't let him get to you. I'm sure there are lots of people you didn't invite."

Playground reputation.

"Huddleston, I admire your hands-on approach to everything, but get the hell out of my office!"

"So a play date next Tuesday, okay? Have your people call my people to set it up."

'We think he has a future in politics.'

Set of scales with white family on one side and black people on the other.

"Three yummies, a pat on the head, and a 'Good doggy.' That's my client's final offer."

'You'll want Mr. Pigglesworth's version of the story too, I assume?'

"I can't hold it together much longer. . . If Bradley doesn't wipe that smug, self-satisfied smirk off his face soon, I swear I'll kill him."

"Forget George, he scarfs down everything in sight. Aunt Rose and Grandma are good for slipping us a slice. Most important, the kids are sloppy. We're bound to find some juicy scraps under their chairs. Stay alert!"

"Here's another fine mess you've gotten us into."

Landing That Tough Account

'They aren't shy about cutting you out of the decision making process.'

'It's Always 'Good Dog'—Never 'Great Dog.'

'I'm NOT being a tattle-tale! -- I'm being a reliable source!'

"After all the trouble I've been in lately, I decided to hire a PR firm to repair my image."

'A Telegram, M'Lord.'

'Okay, let's negotiate. Just how good do I have to be?'

"I'm just saying, studies show that owning a human can improve the quality of your life."

'Oh, yes, you will get off!'

"Wow, interesting, looks like she's not just being mean: research shows that chocolate is actually bad for us. . ."

"I'm about ready to forgive the French."

'If I eat three more pieces of meat and three more spoonfuls of peas, I want three puddings after!'