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Harry Potter learns some 'new tricks' on his first day enrolled in a public school.

'In Show and Tell today, I showed my birthmark! I got expelled!'

"Recess does things to a man."

"I'm sorry. I don't have yours. My dog ate your homework."

'You're flunking me? -- What about the statute of limitations?'

"She said that girls mature faster than boys, so I pulled her hair."

"I think the teacher who says that I got into trouble today is part of the fake news conspiracy."

"The principal has sat in on so many of my classes, I'm thinking of giving him the exam."

'I don't think much to faith school dinners.'

"The first week of school is just review. You know. Scenes from last year's episode."

The Charge of the Kids

“Hands, Rachel. Clap your hands. Why on earth would I say, ‘If you’re happy and you know it, slap Sam’?”

I miss recess!

'The dog won't eat my homework.'

'How do you like that? We just get through the alphabet and she starts hauling in the heavy artillery!'

"I'm subcontracting math, spelling and geography to my smart phone."

"Yes, next year you'll be moving from classroom to classrooms, and, no, it doesn't count as PE."

A Grade Two student explains why he is so eager to get back to school.

"I'm tardy? Whew! I was afraid I was going to be late for school!"

"You were sent to the principal again for horsing around? That's so unfair!"

"If it really is a smartphone, why are my grades still lousy?"

'Virgil is on the gymnastics team.'

"How was first grade? I don't know yet. I spent all day in the Principal's office."

'There is a kid at school who can play 'Jingle Bells' with his farts. That is impressive because flatulence is a difficult medium.'

'It's Johnny Taylor's snowsuit, but I don't think he's in there.'

'My principal wants to see you about my principles.'

'It has cut down on note-passing, glancing at fellow students' test papers and spitballs.'

'Sorry I'm late -- the Principal held me for questioning.'

'How do you like school?'

'John... is that a collar?'

'I know it hasn't any wheels...They're still in the pencil.

"My dog is a finicky eater. He refuses to eat my homework."