School Enrollment Gifts

Garrett knew it was important to jeep his brain from overheating during big tests.

"Oh, this Clyde. He's my anti-bullying campaign."

La Canada's Parent Shakedown

"It started with sneaking kale into their spaghetti. Before I knew it I was sneaking homework into their video games."

Test. Aa. Is this an open-Google test?

Now I'll open up the floor to questions and batsh*t crazy rants.

'We're sending Sophie to finishing school.'

St.Titanics primary, "It's a sink school."

'It's okay, mom. I go through this every day at school.'

'We're a very exclusive private school. Your son will be our only student.'

"You want to take Swahili so you can talk to your African violets?"

"I think my mom made me a tofu sandwich."

Ethics exam cheater.

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

'I couldn't do my term paper because they've never made a movie about Rutherford B. Hayes.'

"Sign my yearbook?"

Computer Science Class 10101010101.

Procrastinator Foumdation: 'We're putting off the decision to fund you for at least another month...'

'I'm majoring in communication and minoring in pizza delivery - What about you?'

"This is a great school but it wasn't my first choice."

"I'm still pre-literate."

Picasso: The Early Years

Our college is tuned to the students' every need! Campus Visits. We have body image awareness week. Safe sex awareness week. Bullying, drug use and tolerance awareness weeks. What did I miss? Welcome. History, math or English awareness week? Great idea. I'll suggest that.

'Chewing cud, Steven? Well, I hope you brought enough for the whole class!'

'I really wanted to only take accounting courses, but my parents made me take this cartooning class so I would have something to fall back on.'

"You weren't laid off...it's called Summer break."

'You were a band geek?! Maybe Max will play an instrument!'

I'm not substitute teaching after all. How come? They wanted a criminal background check! I was a principal for 15 years. They know me! Yes, but

"Where am I going to college? I thought this was college."

"If you miss a payment, we show up and embarrass you in front of your friends."

'Not without your helmet, you're not!'

Lice outbreak at Jungle High (lion with a shaved head).

"If anyone rings tell them I'm on a course."

'I took her to register in kindergarten, and they wanted a damage deposit.'

'The good news is we were able to remove the homework from his stomach. The bad news is, your kid can't write worth a damn.'