School Enrollment Gifts

"Oh, this Clyde. He's my anti-bullying campaign."

"It started with sneaking kale into their spaghetti. Before I knew it I was sneaking homework into their video games."

Now I'll open up the floor to questions and batsh*t crazy rants.

'We're sending Sophie to finishing school.'

St.Titanics primary, "It's a sink school."

'It's okay, mom. I go through this every day at school.'

'We're a very exclusive private school. Your son will be our only student.'

"You want to take Swahili so you can talk to your African violets?"

"I think my mom made me a tofu sandwich."

Ethics exam cheater.

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

'I couldn't do my term paper because they've never made a movie about Rutherford B. Hayes.'

"Sign my yearbook?"

Computer Science Class 10101010101.

Procrastinator Foumdation: 'We're putting off the decision to fund you for at least another month...'

'I'm majoring in communication and minoring in pizza delivery - What about you?'

"I'm still pre-literate."

"This is a great school but it wasn't my first choice."

Picasso: The Early Years

'Chewing cud, Steven? Well, I hope you brought enough for the whole class!'

'I really wanted to only take accounting courses, but my parents made me take this cartooning class so I would have something to fall back on.'

"You weren't laid off...it's called Summer break."

'You were a band geek?! Maybe Max will play an instrument!'

"Where am I going to college? I thought this was college."

"If you miss a payment, we show up and embarrass you in front of your friends."

Lice outbreak at Jungle High (lion with a shaved head).

'Not without your helmet, you're not!'

"If anyone rings tell them I'm on a course."

'I took her to register in kindergarten, and they wanted a damage deposit.'

"It's one thing for the National Commission to comment on the quality of teaching in our schools. It's another thing entirely for you to stand up and call Mr. Costello a yo-yo."

'The good news is we were able to remove the homework from his stomach. The bad news is, your kid can't write worth a damn.'

'I will now read the results of my experiments in fruit genetics. . .'

"I don't mind them counting the days 'til school's out, but I wish they wouldn't do it on their fingers."

Investing 101 Acronym Test.

'I work at a school's Lost Property Office: I track down the owners of lost items...'