Scholarly Humor Enthusiast Pillows

Recovering Academics

'In its new 'spirit of evenhandedness,' the U. S. Government today sent troops to occupy all foreign countries....'

'Poor Kleinzweck -- his working hypothesis got laid off.'

"Lori, go ahead and toss in 'Lolita.' Now, what's next?" "We'll need more lighter fluid." "'The Lottery' is devils work." "We must protect the children." "Book burning club"

Trappist Monk Discord

'The sound of one hand clapping.'

"Nous somme desir-eh, go, er, allez, erm, universitaire français, s'il vous plait."

Jack London

'Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest algologist of all?'

'What does it say, Dad?'

'I didn't think of it as someone else writing my term paper, I thought of it more as a guest blogger situation.'

"Of course I failed you — your essay was original and unique and obviously written by a human."

'The doctor says he's going to have to give you a few more tests...'

HELLth Food Sprouts

Personnel. I've heard of "magna cum laude" and "summa cum laude," but I've never heard of a person graduating "persona non grata." (Published originally on June 3, 1981.)

"What do you mean blood sucking pest? You're the one who invited me into your life!"

Rita's PhD defense wasn't going well."

An Enquiry Concerning Human Understanding as written and as it would have been written if David Hume had invested in a word processor,

"True, a salary cap on Wall Street may limit the talent pool, but, on the other hand, if they get any more talented we'll all be broke."

'As you can see,we run a completely paperless office.'

"The doctor is in court on Tuesdays and Wednesdays."

'In today's market hyperbole was up sharply. Similes and metaphors held relatively steady with euphemisms hitting another record low.'

"Would you like to see the markup?"

What happened when the bond issues failed during the building of the Great Wall of China: The Great Picket Fence of China.

"...in other news: Google has been admitted to the United Stations..."

World Food Summit - No food and drink allowed in the auditorium.

'Staffers don't report we're managing decline. They report we met our targets and did out job!'

"I liked it better when it was 'don't ask, don't tell the New York Times'."

"Actually, you do have a racist bone in your body."

"I'm a common dolphin, I swim the west coast of Scotland foraging for fish and squid."

"If you get married at the Grammy Awards, can your marriage be annulled at the Country Music Awards?"

'Carl Jung loses it...' 'don't tell me I made a Freudian slip - it's a Jungian slip!'

'There are no stupid questions, so let's also agree there are no stupid answers.'

'And in conclusion.'

Peer-reviewed journal publication.