Scheduling Comedians Pillows

'No, I can't make it next Friday. How about a week Tuesday?'

Zombie standup

"I know this is not a proper job for a PhD, Mom, but I have student loans to repay."

'Why can't he just say 'I do'?'

'...In functionality and in dysfunctionality....'

"He was into feet, but, unforunately, not duck feet."

"Nice touch." - Resume playing music.

I'm a paralegal, it's like a flying doctor, only it's about law.

"If I'd known you were not looking for experience I wouldn't have lied on my CV."

"What do I do - I'm a mouse pilot, like everybody else."

'Very funny!'

Comedian faces audience of clowns: 'Ooh, tough crowd.'

"Your former employer said you demonstrated a remarkable amount of 'get up and go'...especially when you were fired."

'Look at it this way ... one bad job can can give you all the experience you'll ever need.'

'Isn't this cast great? Dr. Emily's minor was sculpture in college!'

Where do you see yourself in five years? 35.

When Stupid People Get an Idea

"You know very well what fish!"

"And for all of us here at the six-o'clock news—and don't forget we'll be appearing Saturday night at Mr. Fun—make it a good one!"

Football Delivery

'...Love, honor, and obey, no strings attached?'

"I see you attending a family reunion, where things get quite heated."

"Your accomplishments speak for themselves. Unfortunately for you, I'm completely fluent in exaggeration."

'Nothing doing folks, except ? surprise, surprise ? here's another for you, Desert Island Bloke.'

"And I suppose my greatest feature is that I don't mind kissing a little booty to get ahead!"

Beating by Appointment.

Freddy Starr died here.

Monet At Open Mic Night

'Human resources gave us the idea of trying 'blind interviewing'...'

'I thought Lobsters mate for life.'

'According to my Dad, bosses are just like headmasters. The only difference is that they give you money every month.'

'A pint of beer and a mop please, barman !'