Scheduling Comedians Pillows

'No, I can't make it next Friday. How about a week Tuesday?'

Zombie standup

"I know this is not a proper job for a PhD, Mom, but I have student loans to repay."

'Why can't he just say 'I do'?'

'...In functionality and in dysfunctionality....'

"He was into feet, but, unforunately, not duck feet."

If you hold the conch up to your ear, you can hear the ocean swearing at you.

"Nice touch." - Resume playing music.

I'm a paralegal, it's like a flying doctor, only it's about law.

'Very funny!'

"If I'd known you were not looking for experience I wouldn't have lied on my CV."

Comedian faces audience of clowns: 'Ooh, tough crowd.'

"What do I do - I'm a mouse pilot, like everybody else."

"Your former employer said you demonstrated a remarkable amount of 'get up and go'...especially when you were fired."

'Isn't this cast great? Dr. Emily's minor was sculpture in college!'

'Look at it this way ... one bad job can can give you all the experience you'll ever need.'

Where do you see yourself in five years? 35.

Bob Odenkirk

"I see you attending a family reunion, where things get quite heated."

"You know very well what fish!"

Football Delivery

When Stupid People Get an Idea

'...Love, honor, and obey, no strings attached?'

"And for all of us here at the six-o'clock news—and don't forget we'll be appearing Saturday night at Mr. Fun—make it a good one!"

"Your accomplishments speak for themselves. Unfortunately for you, I'm completely fluent in exaggeration."

'Human resources gave us the idea of trying 'blind interviewing'...'

Monet At Open Mic Night

Freddy Starr died here.

'According to my Dad, bosses are just like headmasters. The only difference is that they give you money every month.'

"Till death do us part? Hers or mine?"

'Nothing doing folks, except ? surprise, surprise ? here's another for you, Desert Island Bloke.'

'I thought Lobsters mate for life.'

Beating by Appointment.

"And I suppose my greatest feature is that I don't mind kissing a little booty to get ahead!"

'No wonder you're backed up.The box says 'ear', not 'rear!'