Scaredy-cat Humorist Gifts

"Of course I'm frightened. I just thought you would be bigger."

I.T. Fear

Cat Reunion

"I only scratch up the furniture hoping they'll replace it with something more stylish."

'Waiter, there's a hairball in my soup, too.'

Cat holds sign which says - Will purr for food.

"I now what you've come to expect from me is physical comedy, but tonight I thought we'd try something a little different."

"I loved the bit where you hid under the seat."

"Projectile hairballing."

"But some of my best ideas come while I'm in the litter box."

'I'm a lap cat. So, naturally I prefer a laptop.'

Litter Tray Stonehenge

Litter Box Logistics Ltd.

"I hate it..."

'Oh, this will be good! He just putted into a sand trap...our litter box.'

'Yeah, I'm a mouser.'

"Let's see now: All dogs have four legs. I have four legs. Therefore, I am a dog."

'I'd like the tongue, please.'

Uses of a Dead Cat in History: The Pied Piper

"What SPF sunscreen do you suggest for lying around in a sunny spot?"

"Ever wonder where all those cat videos come from?"

Cat Lover's Leap.

"He says he can quit anytime, but I'm starting to worry."

"Each of my previous books had nine editions."

The Curiosity Mars rover is seen killing a cat: 'Mission accomplished.'

'Who did you have lick your hair?'

Uses of a Dead Cat in History: Dead Cat Balloon

Man asks haughty looking cat: "And how, exactly, do you qualify as a spokesman for the feline community?"

'Vacuums!'

"Are you gentlemen ready to eat or would you like to bat your food around awhile?"

'Sometimes I like to dunk mine in a nice hot cup of coffee.'

Cat Desk Organizers: In, Out, Eat, Sleep.

"Then it's agreed. We'll sleep on it."

Before you feed him/After you feed him.

"I'm used to embellished resumes, but claiming you can herd cats is a bit far fetched..."