Scammer Gifts

"Here's my wallet, my phone, the key to the safe and an application form for your so-called 'mind control device.'"

"You mean all this time everything was really a screw?"

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

"....and then it turned out that the e-mail I ignored that I got from the Nigerian bank offering me £200 million was REAL!"

"My Gmail account is full. I can't get any more email." "So?" "I'll miss email. It was so old-timey. You could write hundreds or even thousands of words, with actual paragraphs." "People didn't see any little animations to show them you were typing. They had to actually wonder if you were going to reply." "And the spam was fun. You never got to hear from Nigerian princes while you're checking your texts." "Just delete stuff." "If you delete a few gigs of old emails, you'll be able to get n

"In two million years from now people like me will still be very rich tanks to idiots like you!"

'There's a gentleman here who's concerned because you haven't responded to not one of his 12 million email spams.'

"You have been specially selected to upload your bank details. Offer ends midnight."

"Hello, I am a Nigerian Prince and I need your help!!! Please send me $500 and your bank routing number. You will rewarded with 10% of 12.7 million dollars and my undying friendship. Best wishes, Prince John Barron."

Ask Sadie

'I find if I'm the first one in and the first one out, Ponzi schemes can be very lucrative.'

"Didn't anyone ever warn you about opening an e-mail from someone you don't know?"

Statistics Research: You Can Fool 45% of the People 55% of the time, but you can't fool all the people all the time.

Pretending To Care

I figured out how these folks keep guaranteeing the precise day the world ends. Shhh. Keep it down. Why? It's a scam? If you read the read the fine print, they are promising that the world will begin to end that day. Could take forever. It's a no-lose scam … Shhh! What? It's scary when the world might end. There are a lot of people out there who need comforting. Women people, I presume. Women people, I presume. Who take comfort in necking. And you belittle their fears?

"I don't know man. It sounds a lot like a pyramid scheme to me."

"To verify you are the person who answered the phone, May I have your social security number and a major credit card."

Gone Phishing

'To be honest I generally only deal with clients by phone or email.'

"Fraud ..what fraud?... " SEC

Berlitz guide to Scamese

'I need a small, temporary tax hike - I found a great investment opportunity in Nigeria.'

Amateur Spam.

"Excuse me, your honor. If you could just give us a few minutes, my client would like to pitch some time shares to the jury real quick."

'Investing in a company whose website is Ponzischeme.come would raise red flags for me.'

"Me, I work with a professional snake catcher: he drops me into people's backyards at night and waits for the call in the morning to come and catch me again..."

Get rich quick giving seminars!

'So you say the cash box was stolen.'

P.T. Barnum as a child.

'But monsieur I can get it for you so cheap, all the hard work has been done, it just needs the cladding.'

Maynard inadvertently goes phishing.

'This is sounds of the ocean. For a $25 pledge, we'll send you a recording of 'Sounds of the Tsunami'.....'

"Yes, you are speaking to university admissions!"

"Good heavens no, I haven't always been a monarch! I started as a confidence trickster."

"I paid twelve quid for this and it only mentions nine!"