Saucy Correspondent Pillows

'Why waste money sending my secretary one of those saucy postcards when I can just send her a saucy email!'

"I'll probably die an old woman before I get that bedtime story."

'Do you call this spaghetti'

Crooked Hillary... Pig... Sad!... Not a Ten!...

'You're so nice and friendly that I've got nothing to moan about. That's a bit of cheek!'

'This chicken has no taste or character.' 'I thought you wanted to eat it, not offer it a job.'

Stand back - while I whip something up

I'm Aging Gracefully...so SHUT UP!!!

'What do you mean, 'act my age'?... If I did that I'd be dead!'

"It's not he worst meal I've ever eaten, that was your dinner yesterday."

'A long-awaited government shake-up: A 'ditto-head' will replace a 'yes-man'...A 'croney' will replace an 'insider'...'

'Wow...you must have had a really bad day, eh, mate?'

Sally Jessy Raphael

"I've had many men in this town darling, but many men have not had me."

Furniture from hell.

Breaking news

'Sorry, guys, but we can't go in until we've got real time media coverage.'

"You know you have a weak heart, mom. Sit down on your favorite rocking chair and just it easy."

, Don't Worry, We Have the Tracking Number

'Perfect birthday party dear, but so it should be after the practice you've had over so many years.'

"I've just had my panel 5 beaten...."

"In other words homogenius."

"Extra! Extra! Read all about it for free on our website."

'Dear Abby: I continually find myself asking for advice from complete strangers. Please help.'

"He's perfectly nice, but sort of boring, like good cholesterol or something."

A White House vulture carries off the truth, chased by the press.

"He must be really serious to send you something a permanent as an email."

"Can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with tennis."

'Sorry, I can't hear you because this jerk in front of me has a really crinkly wrapper.'

"He's fallen off the news cycle."

"I guess it's too late to call a press conference to say last night I was only joking about our neighboring kingdom."

According to industry newsletters, ketchup remains the world's most popular condiment. Mustard continues to be pretty lame, and sorta jealous.

"Have your people get in touch with my people."

A Fact.

Nice try, but you can't blame your empty highball on global warming.