Satirical Workplace Observer Gifts

'I revel in your success whenever it leads to my success.'

Are you an independent thinker? Yes, if that's alright with you.

'Do you think, perhaps, that we could start shooting for a few longer-term goals around here?'

'I hope you're not threatened by powerful women, because you're fired.'

I'm looking for employees who have their own unique way of seeing things my way.

"If nothing else needs welding, Paula, I'm going to lunch."

'Don't think of it as being a yes man, think of it as being an employed man.'

"I realize we had to liquidate some assets, but don't you think I'd be more productive if I had a desk?"

'I like the way you handle responsibility, McWit, so I'm going to blame some stuff on you.'

"No training period, but you can purchase my instructional video on line for $49.95."

Employee won't think about work outside of box

'I'm sorry, but everyone is in a meeting.'

"Well the good news is that after the reorganisation you'll be leading the team."

"The new chairman has dropped the brain-storming meetings."

Another day at work would be one too many...

National Boss Monument.

Armstrong, the only doctor covered in the new health plan you got me is a veterinarian! Beats no coverage. Yeah, if you're a parakeet. You're so cheap. You don't value me at all. You ingrate. I didn't have to give you health benefits. Lots of employers don't cover their animals. You mean workers. Stop your barking.

"Janet, cancel my Guido's reservation. I'll be having lunch in the office."

In and Out Tray

'Perkins, we're getting rid of some of the dead wood around here.'

'Can I call you back, Frank? A giant maggot is eating my desk, people are shooting at me and my hair is on fire.'

Please bring me a few sharpened pencils and some lucrative business.

'I'm surprised you like being your own boss. I am your boss and I hate it.'

"You work well without supervision? Fat chance of that happening in here!"

Meet Grant, he came up through the ranks.

'Remember, Jenkins, I want those briefs on my desk by morning.'

'I'm delegating everything but my paycheck and my snazzy office to you.'

'What's the matter... you're not grim here?'

'I don't want your input until you produce some output.'

'We took the old plan, folded in half, and now it's the new plan.'

'The organizational structure is pretty simple: We do the work; they take the credit.'

Whack-a-mole CEO.

'Sorry, I can't give you a raise. However, I can offer you a splendid opportunity to share the profits.'

'On your marks. Get set. Go!' - 'Come on! Keep going! You can do it!' - 'Yay! You're 8 hours closer to the grave!' - 'Oh, God.'

Office temperature.