Satirical Statement Maker Gifts

VP in charge of poopooing ecological threats,

'I should not that the cherry and whipped cream were an afterthought created by our graphics dept.'

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

'Call me immediately if there's any serious side effects so I can notify my lawyer.'

'That large, rolled up newspaper is a reminder - mess up in this office and you'll pay the price.'

'And as my chart clearly shows, I don't know anything.'

Man Eating Minimalist Meal

"Brian's fine. He`s got his own coping mechanism."

"I chose to stand up to special interest groups!"

'My door is always open. That's why I installed a tripwire.'

Reverse psychology

Under new blame.

Admissions test for the Danbury Institute of Philosophy

'Stop emailing me, I am standing right here.'

'I'd go back if I were you.'

'Ouwth! Bid my tong!'

Coronavirus Windmills

"In school we learned about Staten Island. Is that where they make all those pills you take?"

'I have no one to blame but myself, for now.'

'Johnson, if you're going to have negative thoughts, I suggest you get rid of that thought balloon!'

"Yes, but you were the defender of the wrong faith."

"Before we decide if you can get in we have to watch a film review of your life..."

What Business People often say (and what they really mean)

"What are you going to do to make sure you reach this year's financial goals?"

"Hey germ, pick on someone your own size."

'If executive bonuses are outlawed, only outlaws will have bonuses.'

"I say we downsize the company to the five of us and see if we can isolate the problem then."

"I'm not going to lie. It took a large speaker's fee to get me to say your future is bright."

Elvis fan holding a sign reading 'NOT MY KING'.

'I thought the memo was quite clear. What part didn't you understand?'