Satirical Philosopher Pillows

And the Lord said: 'I created the universe. What on earth makes you think I'll be impressed by a dead goat?'

"Yes, this is heaven - but we need some source of funding, too."

Prozac Nation

Randy, the Christmas ghosts have me thinking. I feel conflicted. My stinginess has long-term implications for our economic stability. If we create huge income disparity, then we might someday face a revolution that will undo us all. On the other hand, I should be able to afford weapons to decimate the poor, unwashed rebels. Oh, conflict. Gotta get better ghosts.

Arthur maintains a sense of equanimity not matter what the world situation. Mind you, the Botox helps.

EU financing large companies

"Behold the secret to happiness."

"... and I have a follow-up question regarding rawhide."

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

'Call me immediately if there's any serious side effects so I can notify my lawyer.'

'In a nutshell, foods are drugged and drugs are eaten like food.'

Zenemies.

"I chose to stand up to special interest groups!"

Man Eating Minimalist Meal

All Harold's aptitude test showed is that he had an aptitude for taking tests.

Optimist

Reverse psychology

"Of course it's alien abductions! How else would you explain the, 'November Phenomenon'?"

Strainspotting

The World's Biggest Book Club

'How to time the market' seminar - 2pm, postponed to 3pm, then to 4pm.

Admissions test for the Danbury Institute of Philosophy

'Stop emailing me, I am standing right here.'

"There are no such things as problems, only opportunities."

'That's your third bowl of gruel this week! What is this -- a feeding frenzy?'

'I'd go back if I were you.'

"David live a rich, full life, despite what his Wikipedia page says."

"So have you ever stopped to ask yourself: If he really knew the secrets of the universe, would he be living in a damn cave?"

Our college is tuned to the students' every need! Campus Visits. We have body image awareness week. Safe sex awareness week. Bullying, drug use and tolerance awareness weeks. What did I miss? Welcome. History, math or English awareness week? Great idea. I'll suggest that.

'A man has to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink!'

"In school we learned about Staten Island. Is that where they make all those pills you take?"

'I have no one to blame but myself, for now.'

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