Satirical Mind Pillows

'What is the minimum contribution needed to be considered a philanthropist?'

"Dave, remember when you said you were hungry enough to eat a horse?"

"If you get to be a stay-at-home dad, why can't I be a stay-at-home daughter?"

'Humans are really worried about us leaving. They're offering us tax incentives to stay.'

'Dear editor, today I saw the first cuckold of spring...' (Divorce Lawyer).

"You are now over planet earth please empty toilet, now"

"This book of fiction began when my research wasn't going well, and I turned to science fraud."

'Do I smoke? Just anti-socially.'

Tunnel of Gove

Bitcoin negative vision

"It's incredible what nonsense people will believe as long as there are others who also believe."

"Stan, this looks like a breakthrough!"

Grim Reapers at the Job Centre - "Any work in the last two weeks paid or unpaid?"

'A fag end, and at the fag end of our shift! Let it lie.'

'Mom, Dad, I've decided to skip my senior year of college and jump directly into chronic unemployment.'

Well, no wonder the natives are restless. They're worshipping an espresso machine!

'Psychiatrists are like politicians. People know we're con men, yet they pay us to tell them what's best for them.'

THINK (sign nailed inappropreatly to wall)

"I heard you have a really bad toothache."

'...Pack your bags. When we get indside, we're moving to the cat.'

"It looks like we're out of sample placebos."

"The sky isn't really falling -- I'm just trying to make a living."

When I left Hobson, Ackroyd & Donkin it perfectly amicable. They said if I leave they wouldn't prosecute and I agreed.

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

"What do I do to relieve stress? I meditate, about not working here."

'Call me immediately if there's any serious side effects so I can notify my lawyer.'

Man Eating Minimalist Meal

"I chose to stand up to special interest groups!"

"Brian's fine. He`s got his own coping mechanism."

Reverse psychology

Strainspotting

'How to time the market' seminar - 2pm, postponed to 3pm, then to 4pm.

Admissions test for the Danbury Institute of Philosophy