Satirical Mind Pillows

'What is the minimum contribution needed to be considered a philanthropist?'

"Dave, remember when you said you were hungry enough to eat a horse?"

"If you get to be a stay-at-home dad, why can't I be a stay-at-home daughter?"

"This is not what I had in mind when you said you'd take me whale-watching."

'Humans are really worried about us leaving. They're offering us tax incentives to stay.'

'Dear editor, today I saw the first cuckold of spring...' (Divorce Lawyer).

"You are now over planet earth please empty toilet, now"

"This book of fiction began when my research wasn't going well, and I turned to science fraud."

'Do I smoke? Just anti-socially.'

Tunnel of Gove

Bitcoin negative vision

"It's incredible what nonsense people will believe as long as there are others who also believe."

"Stan, this looks like a breakthrough!"

National Association of Telemarketers. No solicitors.

Grim Reapers at the Job Centre - "Any work in the last two weeks paid or unpaid?"

'A fag end, and at the fag end of our shift! Let it lie.'

'Mom, Dad, I've decided to skip my senior year of college and jump directly into chronic unemployment.'

Sadie's right about you. Hush up. You're delirious. Your GPS got us lost in the middle of nowhere. You figured your cellphone or internet service could save us and we've got no coverage. When it comes down to it, your precious technology has no real value. Wait, I think it might. We could eat the iPhone. Back off, savages!

Well, no wonder the natives are restless. They're worshipping an espresso machine!

'Psychiatrists are like politicians. People know we're con men, yet they pay us to tell them what's best for them.'

THINK (sign nailed inappropreatly to wall)

Astronomers studying the 26 moons of Uranus...

I'm not welcome at Computer Villa? You're broke. You can't buy anything. But I've been a loyal customer for years. Can I just window shop? Oh, sure. And can I come over to your house and peer inside and annoy you by not buying anything?! Retailers are upset and making no sense. Go ye into the wilderness!

"I heard you have a really bad toothache."

'...Pack your bags. When we get indside, we're moving to the cat.'

"It looks like we're out of sample placebos."

"The sky isn't really falling -- I'm just trying to make a living."

When I left Hobson, Ackroyd & Donkin it perfectly amicable. They said if I leave they wouldn't prosecute and I agreed.

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

"What do I do to relieve stress? I meditate, about not working here."

'Call me immediately if there's any serious side effects so I can notify my lawyer.'

"Brian's fine. He`s got his own coping mechanism."

"I chose to stand up to special interest groups!"