Satirical Mastermind Pillows

"There's good news and bad news. The good news is, I've made a generous contribution to your leaving present."

"Welcome to Sugar Free Farm! The reality show, where celebs go cold turkey on their sugar addictions for two weeks."

Sign in doctors office - Malpractice Makes Perfect.

"Do you think Trump has read 'Contemporary Relativism and the Death of Meaning'?"

Prisoner still life painting.

'That's one of those May-December love affairs. He's 251 years old, and she can't be a day over 135!'

Implement operation 'KILL ALL PLUMBERS'!

"The museum of modern art on fire... an installation."

"All my stuff is 'Rosebud'."

"If you get to be a stay-at-home dad, why can't I be a stay-at-home daughter?"

Astronomers studying the 26 moons of Uranus...

"Is there a spin doctor in the house?"

"It looks like we're out of sample placebos."

"He just sits there, trying to think of the tweet to end all tweets."

'Done! We're now on Santa's 'nice' list.'

'Don't ask how much your hospital bill is because we have no way of knowing.'

Eager to pull a prank on his chiropractor, Dennis taped a bag of potato chips to the small of his back.

Mismanagement Consultant.

"You are now over planet earth please empty toilet, now"

'Dear editor, today I saw the first cuckold of spring...' (Divorce Lawyer).

'...Pack your bags. When we get indside, we're moving to the cat.'

'Give it to me straight, doc. How much longer do I have in advertising's prime demographic audience?'

"Stan, this looks like a breakthrough!"

"Hey Neil, I've got an idea - let's really freak everyone out and tell them you're quitting physics to become my new co-Pope."

"The sky isn't really falling -- I'm just trying to make a living."

The puppet master

"I want you to leave here today with a message of joy!..."

"We shall now commence throwing money at the problem."

"Hey, way to go! You invented both the disease AND the cure!"

'Humans are really worried about us leaving. They're offering us tax incentives to stay.'

'Forget Normal infections, it's so last year! I put some crazy stuff on youtube and instantly, it went absolutely viral!'

Wow! Look at all these college brochures. You're soo popular! The top colleges in the country want me to apply! Um, Twig. You know they're trolling for applicants to boost their stupid rankings. That's ok. At least I'll be rejected by the very best! You can visit me at Harvard.

'The curious incident of the dig in the night-gown.'

Well, no wonder the natives are restless. They're worshipping an espresso machine!

Dollar: Warning - May cause excessive greed, loss of human empathy and disregard for vital environmental systems.