Satirical Health Observer Gifts

"Level with me, Doc, how am I looking?"

"I know other hospitals are worried about the superbug, but ours is the only one that understands the accounts system."

Providing Healthcare For All

'Maybe it is psychosomatic.'

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

'I think it's damn unprofessional for a dermatologist to scream 'Yikes' like that.'

'We'll need to run some preliminary tests to see if you're healthy enough for more invasive follow-up tests.'

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

'As you know, medical costs have skyrocketed -- that'll be fifty cents.'

"The doctor is in court on Tuesdays and Wednesdays."

'I only got up for a drink of water, and a queue's formed next to my bed.'

We can't call the doctor, we can't call the nurse, we have to call the lady with the alligator purse.

'The doctors say I have a rare illness that turns people into birds - it's untweetable.'

'You can tell your grandkids, you rode the most expensive vehicle on Earth!'

Auto parts, Lite Puff Pastries, & Health Insurance Exchange.

'Take one of these three times a day until you start to feel better.'

'The food here isn't too bad, just try not to swallow !'

"I think you'll like this idea-it's sort of 'dull' meets 'inoffensive.' "

'What I call a miracle drug is one that doesn't start a government investigation.'

These drug will cost you an arm and a leg...the good news is, my wife and I own stock in the company that makes them.

Scary Halloween ICD-10 codes.

What the patient heard and what the doctor meant to convey.

'Excuse me, sir. Could you spare $2000,000 to treat an uninsurable pre-existing condition?'

NHS/Private Eye Care.

"I've run every test known to man, and it turns out you're allergic to medical bills."

"I've decided to go a different way for our new health plan."

'If you could roll up your sleeves, go behind the screen and plaster the wall.'

"Look, look … someone wrote unoperable."

"I suppose it was bound to come to this."

'Are you writing my symptoms, or is that your autobiography?'

So you'd like to be a lawyer...we require honest, genuine people, who are prepared to...learn how to fake sincerity.

'Would you like the ECG tracing of your father's death? It's the least we can do.'

"Sorry, new style pain killer. It's the cut-backs I'm afraid."