Satirical Cooks Pillows

The Barefoot Cro-magnon.

Health and Safety Gone Mad.

'Muriel's philosophy is that what happens in the kitchen, stays in the kitchen.'

Get your no-turkey recipes here! Eco club. Go veggie for T-day! No thanks! I like turkey, sausage, stuffing, creamed onions with bacon and mincemeat pie. I figured as much. How can you tell? Gut check. That's my gut reaction, too.

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

'I don't think that's what they mean by reducing the wine.'

Fly Tastings: 'Notice that hint of dog fur and then let that full bodied garbage finish unfold.'

TV chef sets the TV on fire.

'The Specials are the same as the Main Menu dishes, but with more florid descriptions.'

'If you order...You can digest it in...'

Tuna Salad, Meat Loaf, Cheese Omelet and Bean Soup

"Actually, it wasn't so bad. One minute I was standing in line at the slaughterhouse...The next thing I knew, I was being basted in my own juices..."

'Needs more kale.'

'Our guest tonight certainly needs no introduction.'

'Waiter! -- there's a candidate in my soup!'

The world's worst restaurant. Now under new bad management.

"Before I serve you dinner, it was in the chicken's last wishes that you watch his video will."

The BLTR (the bacon, lettuce, tomato, revolution)

Beef Stew.

'In case of fire, don't panic. Pay your bill then leave.'

"And here you have a brown thing next to something greenish, with some sort of brown runny stuff underneath it."

1% Cereal: Now with marshmallow dollar signs.

'Are these mushrooms or toadstools? And why are you holding a stomach pump?.'

"Oh -- just scrape it off."

'Our five-course dinners start with denial, followed by anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.'

"We've gone 'Glutton-Free'."

'Mmmm. How do you get the custard so creamy? You must give me the recipie!'

Sun Dried Ice Cubes

"I'm on a diet. Mini-size it!"

'People soup again?'

"Gimme a double burger between two burgers. And hold the lettuce; it only dilutes the experience."

The real reason salad aids weight loss

"I recommend the businessman's lunch, sir, mammon notwithstanding."

Intolerant Chef

'This is not Hungarian stew. Sorry, the butcher ran out of Hungarians.'