Culinary Satirists Pillows

"Today the secret ingredients for Mom's Apple Pie were sold to the Japanese for sixty-eight million dollars."

"They're veggie hot dogs but don't worry—they're made in a really gross way."

'I think the salmon is thoroughly smoked.'

'Mildred-thy milk runneth over!'

Soup of the month.

"That's it. We’re toast."

Lesser known greek gods,

"You're lost. This is Mom's apple pie."

"All the butter was gone. There was no way out. The puff pastry had to be made with margarine... from a tub."

Health and Safety Gone Mad.

'The Burrito King.'

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

"The meatloaf just tapped S.O.S. in Morse code."

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

A Club Sandwitch.

"No thanks, I'm stuffed."

Get your no-turkey recipes here! Eco club. Go veggie for T-day! No thanks! I like turkey, sausage, stuffing, creamed onions with bacon and mincemeat pie. I figured as much. How can you tell? Gut check. That's my gut reaction, too.

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

"Can you turn these mashed potatoes into french fries?"

'Hey, pal... do you have a wine that tastes like beer?'

"What do you suggest...the tuna fish or the peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich?"

"What happened to the thin crust guy I married?"

Where Deviled Eggs come from

I don't know what happened to the poor guy, but he's visibly shaken.

Fly Tastings: 'Notice that hint of dog fur and then let that full bodied garbage finish unfold.'

"Bottled, tap or toilet water?"

'The following programme contains scones of a sexual nature.'

Cat eats date.

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

Tuna Salad, Meat Loaf, Cheese Omelet and Bean Soup

A Pirate Egg Prisoner about to Walk the Plank into a boiling pot of water

"Actually, it wasn't so bad. One minute I was standing in line at the slaughterhouse...The next thing I knew, I was being basted in my own juices..."

'If you order...You can digest it in...'

'The Specials are the same as the Main Menu dishes, but with more florid descriptions.'

"The Knuckle Sandwich is good."