Culinary Satirists Pillows

"Today the secret ingredients for Mom's Apple Pie were sold to the Japanese for sixty-eight million dollars."

"They're veggie hot dogs but don't worry—they're made in a really gross way."

'I think the salmon is thoroughly smoked.'

'Mildred-thy milk runneth over!'

Soup of the month.

"That's it. We’re toast."

Lesser known greek gods,

"You're lost. This is Mom's apple pie."

Health and Safety Gone Mad.

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

"All the butter was gone. There was no way out. The puff pastry had to be made with margarine... from a tub."

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

'The Burrito King.'

A Club Sandwitch.

"No thanks, I'm stuffed."

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

"Can you turn these mashed potatoes into french fries?"

'Hey, pal... do you have a wine that tastes like beer?'

"What do you suggest...the tuna fish or the peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich?"

Cat eats date.

"What happened to the thin crust guy I married?"

'The following programme contains scones of a sexual nature.'

Where Deviled Eggs come from

Fly Tastings: 'Notice that hint of dog fur and then let that full bodied garbage finish unfold.'

"Bottled, tap or toilet water?"

Tuna Salad, Meat Loaf, Cheese Omelet and Bean Soup

"Actually, it wasn't so bad. One minute I was standing in line at the slaughterhouse...The next thing I knew, I was being basted in my own juices..."

'The Specials are the same as the Main Menu dishes, but with more florid descriptions.'

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

"The Knuckle Sandwich is good."

A Pirate Egg Prisoner about to Walk the Plank into a boiling pot of water

'If you order...You can digest it in...'

Gingerbread man sits at desk marked food editor

'No, we don't have any tuna FISH, but we do have salmon FISH, trout FISH, and catfish FISH.'