Satirical Conversations Pillows

So Your Landlord Is Trying to Evict You

Enough with the e-readers. Blasphemer! Ooh, I can carry 1,000 books at one time. Ooh, I can download books in an instant. Ohh, I can check out the first chapter without buying. But … But you can't see the cover of the book. There is no cover. So? How can I judge a book reader without seeing their cover?! Fair. Disturbing. But fair.

"Of course you can resign Ferguson. How would you like to buy back your freedom? Cash, credit card or easy payments?"

Trump

'Cat job interviews.'

"I propose a break from the office speak and two minutes of random profanity."

"Well, you can't say they didn't warn us."

'If we're to be able to afford a cutting edge IT system then we have to make sacrifices...and you're ours.'

'It'll make 'feet' obsolete!'

'False alarm! I'm back. It was only a career suicide.'

'Yes, they've kept it pretty close to the book.'

'To prevent fraud, we like to verify whiplash injury claims!'

"Ask Sadie Advice Hour," what's your problem?! Kanye West said he's running for president in 2020, and I don't know whether to weep or move to Canada. Canada Canada Canada! Everybody always wants to move to Canada whenever they think the USA has taken a turn for the worse! None of you lily-livered quitters could stand a single Canadian winter, let alone stare down a moose at six paces. You want Canada? You can't handle Canada! How tall is a moose?

'Your moon is on Saturn. Your sun is on Venus, and your hand is on my thigh!'

"Out to Latte"

"Isn't it great that even with our busy schedules we still make the time to just be together and talk about everything else we should bet getting done?"

Official in flooded office says: 'A decision on lifting the hosepipe ban will be made in due course.'

"I don't see your Zodiac sign anywhere on your resume."

'Healing was number one, but having people undress and then them paying me was my second reason for becoming a doctor.'

"Don't, son – once they cross over into meats, they're out of our jurisdiction."

"Now I know why those cruise tickets were so cheap!"

'Let me swear on my grandchildren that our business is 100% legit. We outsourced extortion to the IRS, and assassination to the Pentagon!'

'And when all else fails...'

'Your tests show you to be drug free ... and three months pregnant.'

Prehistoric firing squad.

Sp££d Camera

"Of course you can have some respect sir, but we don't treat wounded pride!"

It's only a sin if you talk about it

Tonight: The Unraveling President - Russian Performance Art.

Gary Lineker Twitter Row with the BBC

"I've always feared this day would come. I'm running out of snarky replies."

"Now, that's really weird: The farmer's kids have a rubber duck in their bath!"

"Discrimination, harassment, humiliation...men do some awful things to women, but that doesn't mean we should start picking on them!"

Trump, triumphant!

"I'm having trouble contacting your references. They're all in solitary confinement."