Ironic Conversations Pillows

'Healing was number one, but having people undress and then them paying me was my second reason for becoming a doctor.'

"Isn't it great that even with our busy schedules we still make the time to just be together and talk about everything else we should bet getting done?"

Very Difficult Conversations

Wifi in Hell

'Why me Lord?' '...because yo have animal magnetism Noah...'

"So you're anthropomorphic too? It's a small world."

"It's no good, Bertie—we must either find some other place to meet or break off the affair altogether."

"Everything is dandy--and our intestinal biomes are joyous."

"I'm thinking 'woof-woof' but I'm saying 'arf-arf'."

"I see he finally got rid of that idiotic comb-over."

"I said, ‘I hit on your sister!’"

"I know I keep coming back to your obsession with styrofoam peanuts, but there's a lot to unpack there."

They stole your identity, but after seeing your credit score, they gave it back.

"Sometimes I get a craving for sushi."

"Dad, where did I come from? The stork?"

'You're not a very good listener, are you?'

"Let's face it, Tom. A society that's paying its Frank Sinatras and Johnny Carsons more than its yous and mes is out of whack."

Before birds and bees,

'Why, yes, I am a Capricorn...how did you know?'

'Online dating is rubbish. I've written to 20 women and not ONE has replied.' 'At least you're being spurned in the comfort of your own home.'

'It's SUPPOSED to be quiet up here!'

'Let's face it, if there was any talent about, we wouldn't be watching this rubbish!'

Snatching Failure from the Jaws of Success

"I'm on break, getting a hot dog...guy in front of me drops dead...heart attack!!..........guess who they blame?"

"Don't worry mate... We've rung for an economist."

"I can't hear you but the banana can."

'I bought my peg - leg from a gypsy.'

Plato seeking platonic love on Tinder.

'Of course my income didn't really take off until I left tele-marketing and got into insurance fraud.'

I brought a little ice breaker.'

"This drink? It's called loneliness. Care to join me?"

'No no, I'm fine. Just indulging in a little bit of mid-afternoon navel gazing.'

"Damn it, Maureen! You just don't break up a winning combination!"

The Man Who Knew Way Too Much

"In the novel based on my case, I'm acquitted."