Ironic Conversationist Pillows

"It's no good, Bertie—we must either find some other place to meet or break off the affair altogether."

"Yes, I'm from London. 'Which part?' you ask. Well all of me!"

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

"Idea?" "No. Just a light bulb."

"To be honest, I don't mind the cold, and being an introvert, and slightly antisocial, I really treasure the quiet time when the others have flown south..."

"I love it when your eyes blaze like that; you remind me of Moses."

My wife's been talking to the skin I shed for over an hour.

"I'd love to go out with you. Do I have to have time to change."

Crow and fox

"And I never kiss in the first two seconds."

"No, I don't think you have 'multiple personality disorder'. In fact, I don't think you have a personality at all."

"Darling, do you ever worry that we're becoming some sort of Merchant-Ivory production?"

Shrewsbury - pronunciation

"I've been in the doghouse ever since I tried to get my mother-in-law hanged as a witch."

'Take this stick-drive and open the file 'John's Emotional Baggage'. It'll save a lot of time.'

'I understand you know how to treat a woman.'

LEMONADE, 'Actually, I hate places like this.'

"Are we ‘still working’? No, we’re still eating. You, however, are ‘still working’—now get lost!"

"The most obvious side-effect of having a chip implanted in my brain is a constant craving for onion dip."

"Do excuse me, I've got a nuttiness allergy."

Jokes machine.

"Why... are there so many people who never eat pork? Because we have some excellent PR people working on our behalf."

"Is it just me, right, is it just me ...?"

The Algonquin Round Table

"Want to score some flu shots.?"

'I just like tequila for the worm.'

'It's not so much you having a cockroach problem - it's more along the lines of us having a human problem.'

People I've Met At Parties Whose Names I've Forgotten

"Virginia Woolf meets 'Car Talk.'"

"Sofia, right? You hung out in the back of Professor Dillof’s anatomy lectures."

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious day when you're ripe and not yet mealy?"

"Tell her I'm exercising my twenty-first amendment rights."

'This month I'll be cooked & my bones ripped apart in a wishing contest.'

'I wonder if you'd go out with me. I've always wanted to go to couples therapy.'

"Develop your social skills. Share information about yourself so people will want to talk to you." "I like to dissect animals."