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Trump's Wall

"She's fine. She just needs some tofu."

(oil - petroleum - gushing out of inkwell)

UK border controls relaxed.

"The article you sent me on how technology causes stress crashed my computer."

How about going easy on the carbs

'Marsha, did you file the Peterson account on the cumulus, stratus, cirrus, or nimbus cloud?'

'Hi - I'm your company perk !'

Czarcasm

Denmark scrapped anti-blasphemy law!

"Sorry lad, ye can't be having' me pot o' toilet paper."

'Ah Mr Bond, I haven't been expecting you...'

"How long before the clinical trials are over?"

"I've heard great things about your church. Thought I would visit and say keep up the good work."

"A haand gel...!?"

"So, just to be clear: the 'voices inside your head' told you to launder the money from forfeited law enforcement seizures in exchange for federal tax breaks for your Uncle Mark in Costa Rica?"

"My dream is to have a little house and a white picket fence wired with explosives."

"I'll be glad when the television is fixed."

"Doctor - at home I get this nagging pain... what do you recommend?"

'It's not much of a soap opera with just that Adam guy.'

Hot cross buns

"To lose weight they said I've just had to give up two things. . .food and drink!"

"Sure, it's a break you can live with... but screw one more socket and you're toast!"

"We didn’t have enough in the budget to replace you with a real robot."

"Consumer confidence remains high as long as we keep them distracted buying stuff."

"Well, that was the weirdest tribute band I've ever seen."

'Why thankyou! ... and I've got one for you!'

"And yet methinks, Martha, that 'Ibsen with Rhythm' seems somehow to miss the point of Ibsen."

'That's what I like about you Roberts, you're not afraid to get out there and take a risk.'

'And remember team, if you can't join 'em, lick 'em!'

IRS: The country is broke, but your taxes cannot be construed as 'Charity to the Poor'.

"The only reason I'm firing you for your suggestion is because you signed yours."

'During the heart-transplant, since it was your birthday, I went ahead and added two more inches, no charge.'

Football heads...

'This snuff video you sold me just shows people taking snuff.'